I still don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now...

Revisited...

I wrote this a while ago but seems relevant again...

An open letter... first attempt... perhaps of many...

I am sorry... I am sorry that I cannot, for all my attempts and intentions, love you. I do not mean love you with my heart, for that is without question, and never in doubt. Instead I am sorry that I seem unable to love you with the rest of me. I am sorry for the expression of my love. I am sorry for always seeming to get it wrong. I am sorry that I cannot express with my mouth and with my hands that which is so strong and clear in my heart, that which I feel so strongly that I fear I will explode if the expression of it is not at least attempted. And there, perhaps, is the problem. I am forced to try to express a flood with a faucet. I am sorry that I don't know how to love you, how to show you, how to offer proof. I wish that my heart was transparent so that you could look directly inside and see that which is contained therein. That all the jumbled, myriad thoughts and feelings could be expressed as a laser, clear, focused, direct and true, slicing through all the noise, and all the interpretations. Cutting direct from my heart to yours, forming a link of true expression, with all static and interference eliminated in its wake.

For now this is all that I have, and all I can do is beg your forgiveness and offer the promise that I will keep trying, I will keep loving and I will keep hoping that one day I will get it right.

Sincerely,

brad

Driving home from work today (listening to Wilco) I was reminded of this letter that I wrote (but only published here). I once again find myself unsure of myself. I am lost. In my attempts to be understood and known, I have come up short yet again, or worse. The thing that I seem completely inept at expressing is that I say things with the knowledge that I hold nothing against you. You have not injured me, nor do I hold you responsible for my, MY, feelings. The truth is that I don't know if there is anything that you could do to change my mind about you. So when I speak, I speak in that knowledge and perhaps with a sense of freedom that is not earned because the entire picture that I have of you is not shared or known to you. You see what I have said, and feel in your own heart a reaction to that. How could you do anything accept that. You don't know me, not through and through. (And how could you as I have shown yet again that any attempts that I make at an expression of my own (often skewed by my limited knowledge of you) feelings do not come in the context of my entire range of thoughts. My head swims with even the thought of that statement.

And yet, without expression starting somewhere, even imperfect, even minute, there isn't really hope for the future. And it was in this spirit that I express myself, hoping that the person that hears me will have that net of safety to catch the pieces because the pieces are parts of me and in catching them you will catch me. That they will have the same net that I use to catch them, any small, shattered, broken, beautiful, soiled or pure piece.

For those of you that haven't met Petrarch...

It was the day the sun himself grew pale

with grieving for his Maker-I was seized

and made no effort to defend myself;

your lovely eyes had held me and bound me, Lady.

It didn't seem a time to be on guard

against Love's blows, so I went confident

and fearless on my way. My troubles started

amid the universal sense of woe.

Love found me wholly undefended, with

the way from eyes to heart completely open,

eyes that are now the conduit for tears.

He got no glory by it; I was helpless.

And he let you escape with no attack

when you were well defended, fully armed.

-Petrarch's blog

April 6, 1327

This bad boy knocked me over the first time I read him years ago... I like the idea of him having a blog of sorts... as well as the thought of introducing my readers to some scarcely known masterpieces... perhaps making some not so subtle comparisons... and maybe it helps me to read something like this and know that I am not the only one.

Sometimes I think I need to read happier fare... or at least not go out as often where people can see me...

Damn...

1 Corinthians 13:4-9 (Amplified)

⁴Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

⁵It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

⁶It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

⁷Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

⁸Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. As for prophecy (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), it will be fulfilled and pass away; as for tongues, they will be destroyed and cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away [it will lose its value and be superseded by truth].

It is still true... and I know it... and I believe it. But sometimes it is hard, because love is hard. When all these things are in you, it hurts all the more when nothing comes back. When quitting and loving are not possible in the same breath, the choice, even though obvious, still holds difficulty. Sacrifice is written all over these words, and all over love. Love is scary, because giving it can almost feel like disappearing at times. Like "I" am no longer there, only love, and the object of that love. And conversely, without love, I feel as though I am the only one, that I am completely alone. That is a feeling too terrifying to consider.

I have recently, and now again, been considering the old saying that it is "better to have loved and lost", and I think that I still hold it to be true. Love is an amazing thing through which I believe humanity feels the very depths and heights of emotion and even existence. Without it life is loss. I do not believe love to be something extinguished by any force known to us, tempered yes, but never quelched. It is the fuel for the engine that drives our very soul, and the smallest measure's potency is unmatched by any other motivator. It can lift us up or drive us mad. Such is its power, and such is its risk, but one that I gladly accept, even after tasting the madness of it. Even in the madness there is a glimpse of beauty. The knowledge of something so pure, so powerful, is worth the pursuit.

For those of you that have followed me for any length of time across various domain names and cyber space providers, you know that this is not a new subject for me to offer, but for me there is none greater, and one that I want to get right above all else. And so I will continue in my pursuit of understanding and living... These thoughts came out jumbled and random but that representation is probably not far off of the truth as I strive and forge ahead into the mystery...

Somedays I honestly believe that I am so screwed up that I will never even be capable of a chance at getting it right...

I'm not needy...

I'm not needy, I promise. Those that have paid close attention to previous posts would know, or at least be somewhat familiar with the concept. I just miss you. Sometimes someone walks in that just grabs attention and it is of no intentional offense to others that they just no longer enter the forefront of my psyche as often. They have been pushed to the side. I wouldn't call it need, I would call it want. There's got to be someone like that, doesn't there? I mean there is pretty much always going to be someone that leads the pack, that is out front a little, even if only by a slim margin. Someone winning the race to the front of the line when I want to share, or confer, or just say hi to at any given moment... You seem to win a lot...

And can I help it if technology is so dang easy? (At least it is on my end, even if it doesn't seem to be on other ends...) It takes 2 key strokes and even less seconds to say "hi". I happen to think that you are worth even more then that so why would I keep that time to myself? Why does it seem so easy to measure my worth by the lack of these... It is tough knowing that all it takes is the slightest of efforts to bring a lasting smile, and it never arrives...

I've never been good at "the game". I don't know that I want to be. It feels too much like lying to me. I guess I am not one to play it cool just because someone somewhere thought that I should. If I want to say hi, why wouldn't I? I can't think of a reason not to, nor can I think of a reason that would cause that desire or acting on it to be offensive or troublesome. I can't think of anything that I don't want to share with you. And again, I can't think of why that would be bad. I mean "want" in the active sense, the only sense that I try to use the word.

Maybe I have been too soft spoken. Maybe I have been too forgiving. Maybe I have communicated that little to nothing is enough. I can take responsibility for that. In my effort to not make waves that I fear could push you away, I have not communicated myself. I hope someday to have the courage to risk losing everything because if I don't then it looks like there is a good chance that that is exactly what I will do...

Ryan Adams "Heartbreaker" album and thinking about Ryan Adams & The Cardinals song "If I Am A Stranger"...

Why?

Why does my heart work the way that it does?

Why do some aspects of who I am seem to be completely out of my control?

Why can't I make some choices, change my ways, even for the better? Even when I know that the choice, when made will add years to my life?

Why do I continue to perform the same action over and over again and always expect "this time" will be different? Why am I insane Albert?

Why do I still try to reach out?

Why do I still try?

Why do I feel compelled?

Why can't I keep you out of my thoughts?

Why are you the first person that I want to celebrate with when something "good" happens?

Why are you the first person I want to listen when something "bad" happens?

Why do I want anything to do with you?

Why?

Why?

Why do I think of you when a sad song comes on the radio?

...then one day, you'll wake up and she'll be home...

It meant a TON to me the time that you called. I know I've said it before but for whatever reason, the slightest effort makes a significant impact. I have really missed our chats, no matter how brief...

I have recently been reminded of something I have been wrestling with, but afraid to really speak. I am glad, and even proud, to call you a friend but with that in mind, losing that friendship is not something that I want to face.

Going back to honesty, it scares me to think about seeing you again. Perhaps it is better put that I am afraid of your impending proximity. I am afraid that without being able to catch you online, without distance keeping you from other people, there won't be any time left for me... Even while knowing that that wouldn't be the reason, because there is always time when the amount isn't the part that matters... and we always have time for what is important to us... and that sums up my fear pretty well too, because time can also be a barometer for that very reason...

I'll let you guess what I was listening too...

The trouble with honesty...

Honesty... It's something that I seem to struggle with, but maybe not
the way you'd think... I can be honest, but sometimes I don't know
WHEN to be honest. It has always struck me that sometimes being honest
or "open" can be a huge mistake & that is what I struggle with. Have
you ever told somebody something that was true only to regret it
later? I've felt that way, but I am not sure that "regret is the right
word. I don't think that my mind/heart can accept the feeling of
regret for speaking the truth... but there it is.

So here we go... I find myself wondering what a day would be like
without a thought of you. Or any length of time for that matter. Who
are you? I have realistically known you for a mere couple of months
and not known you for a year and a half. In a lot of ways of feels like you've been gone since
even before then...

Sometimes I find myself wondering what is wrong with me. I have some
interest in the way things work, & the way EVERYTHING works. Including
the human mind. I find myself looking at what I call symptoms and
trying to find the cause of the symptom. So what is in me that can
explain how I get stuck like this? What is it? What can I do for
"treatment"? Do I even want to be treated? Which of course comes from
the question, "Is it a negative to be the way that I am?"And then it has to be asked if there is an outside factor causing the symptom? It has to at least be considered if the root is to be proved.

Honesty... the idea leaves me with so many varying thoughts...

I was asked again...

The other week I was informed that I church that I have been attending, a church that in a sense I help support by leading worship at, made what I felt was a irresponsible and selfish decision. Again let me say that is how "I" felt... and I guess still feel... It wasn't long ago that this church felt a need to spend 10's maybe 100's of thousands of dollars on their parking lot. I didn't and don't really understand the thought process behind such a decision. The church is located in the dead center of the San Joaquin Valley which is home to the largest concentration of poverty in America. It was very hard for me to swallow the decision to spend that volume of money on repaving a parking lot that wasn't that bad, that probably cost too much the first time around... The thought of the amount of lives, families and souls that could have been touched, and changed with that amount of money broke my heart. The church followed up that stewardship decision by donating $25,000 to Extreme Home Makeover. This decision was made on the spur of the moment, without consulting the congregation. The congregation first heard about the decision when they were told that they would have to find $25,000 to replace the money that was borrowed from another fund. They raised the money back, but I still had some serious issues with the church's financial decisions... You see, the decision of how to use the money of the church should have taken much more consideration, especially considering the poverty that surrounds this church. Extreme Home Makeover chooses 1 family from 4 finalists, which means that there are 3 families that won't be getting help, and could still use aid and are most likely just as "deserving"... And this doesn't even speak to the need of the thousands of families in need that were not even finalists, that were not even considered but as humans are also just as "deserving". Again, the thought of what could have been done with $25,000 is staggering. But instead it went to a family that was already getting an immense amount of help. The church was bragging that they are the first church that has made such a donation and it made me think, "No kidding... other churches are hopefully spending their money more wisely..." It also frustrated me that the church leadership would make a decision like this without including the body. It seems to me that that takes a lot of gaul and pride. It made me wonder who they think they are. And then to expect the body to just pick up the tab without question. That part of it actually scared me... And that the congregation accepted it and even promoted it without question or even skipping a beat was also cause for concern to me... I actually considered pulling myself from leading worship at this church as I wondered if the Lord would ask me about it at the judgement... What would I say? My head was clouded with frustration and anger...

I took some time to cool down before calling the leader of the group that I lead worship for to tell him that I couldn't be associated with a leadership that made decisions this way (A call I ended up not making)... In my depravity I had become very selfish in this. It became apparent that this may not be the right decision for me to make. It struck me that the young couple, or the new guy, or whomever, those that I was responsible for leading into worship, were not directly at fault for the church. The thought struck me that if God is using me to minister to those people, then it would not be fair or right to take that away from them. It struck me that I would have to answer for pulling myself out of the position He had placed me in. I don't say this in pride. I am in the position I am in because there simply wasn't anyone else to do it. Before I took over as the worship leader the only worship that the group was getting was two failed attempts to play a video of a band playing a song for everyone to sing along to. It didn't work either time and so the group went completely without. Again, not pride... but something had to be done and it was placed on my heart that I could help, and reluctantly I did. If I had left, it would go back to there being no one again, which I felt like I may have to answer for, especially considering that that was a decision that I was and am 100% responsible for...

But the plot wasn't done thickening yet... For better or for worse, I have been asked to join the leadership team for the Thursday night Young Adults group, taking my responsibilities beyond leading worship. Let me just say that this decision is one that I would like to be able to talk to a friend or two about... In light of the thoughts behind this post, which still linger... but I also have no, I repeat no interest in being in leadership, at least not that way, and I have even less interest in my role as such being defined mostly by my attendance at meetings. (I am not a fan of meetings in the least...) And of course, I don't know that I have any right being on a leadership team. There is a line in Batman Begins where Thomas Wayne tells Bruce that he leave the running of his company to "more interested men." That sums up my feelings pretty well... but still, I have been asked and I try to not make decisions too lightly and I try to make sure I find out what God is telling me by what He brings into my life... So I went to the first meeting and while it doesn't seem like I could/would have any more or less impact on the group by attending, and I didn't commit, I think that I still have a decision to make... So we'll see...

As far as the church and its decisions, I am trying to be less judgmental, I really am. I know that this post wasn't too positive or flattering, but I do realize that I am not a perfect person either so while I don't think that I have to agree with the decisions that the church makes and their future is not up to me, my future and how I allow God to use me does fall more on my shoulders so I need to make sure that I am making the decisions between God and I and not letting the actions of other "people" decide that. Others will have to answer for themselves and I will have to answer for myself... So we shall see...

Did a prayer walk the other day...

So the group that I attend "church" with is going to be starting a ministry with the families on "Motel Drive" here in Fresno.  Motel Drive is the name of a street in Fresno which has a row of low cost hotels on it. (Of course they are just "low cost" for hotels, with the cheapest starting at $25 a night...) It has come to be known as the place for the poor, the downtrodden, the drug addict, the prostitute and the pedophile to end up. There are a lot of hurting people there, including many children. While it remains to be seen how many in our little "group" will participate, and to what degree, it is already apparent that there are a few that will, and are saying, "It is not OK that this is going on. I have to do something about it." So we started with a prayer walk, my first time on Motel Drive. My first time seeing the broken, the needy, the children, the families...

Getting back to prayer though, it struck me during the prayers the type of walks that people have with the Lord, or at least the impressions of such that different people's prayers left me with. We walked with a woman that is a former prostitute that lived on Motel Drive many years ago in a one bedroom hotel room with her 3 small children. She has since been delivered from the life and afflictions of her time there and is now the founding director of the ministry that we will soon be partnering with, Levi Grace Ministries. It was her prayer that really stuck with me. Her prayer flowed with such conviction and confidence and strength. It was a prayer founded in both faith and a knowledge of the One to which the prayer was directed. Finally it had a flow that could only have come from hours of practice. In short, it was a prayer that I would aspire to in my better moments. The other prayers had varying effects on me, but it continued to strike me that the prayers coming out of people, or at least the type of prayers, the mood, cadence, content, etc. seemed to... well... they seemed to be just what I  would expect from the person offering them based on what I knew of that person and my interactions with them. 

I realize that this post could be misinterpreted fairly easily so I should clarify what I am saying... I do not consider myself a seasoned prayer warrior. I can pray, and I will pray, but I know that I have a long way to go... I hope there is not a judging tone in what I wrote. It is a simple observation of prayer. I know that we serve a God that is not as worried about our eloquence as He is about our hearts. But it did seem that prayer can be an indication of not our hearts, but perhaps of how we interact/relate to God and think about who He is. Some will fear, some will stand in awe, some will fall on their faces, some will run into His arms, some will cast themselves on His mercy. Some will request for Him to change, some will pray for themselves to change. Some will be confident, some will tremble. I just found it interesting and it made me think about prayer and how I interact with my God, something that I don't think is a bad thing to consider. 

So I have yet another dilemma on my hands... I'll just be honest and say it, it is along the lines of WWJD, but with a twist. You see, I have had some ideas rolling around in my head for a while, and as seems prone to happen, this one was clarified by a book that I just finished by Henri Nouwen. And as also happens, the book really didn't address the thoughts in my head, but a phrase catalyzed what thoughts I did have into cohesion. And so I will start with that thought. Henri's book "In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership" is the book in question for those taking notes. In the book, one of the things that Henri finds himself discussing is the idea that ministry, and indeed life, is not meant to be undertaken alone. Let's not forget that Henri has written at length about the virtues and necessity of solitude and the importance of such in one's individual relationship with God, but that is certainly not the only aspect of our walk/time here in these oh so mortal shells. Again, written for clarity. At any rate, as I said, he was mentioning an experience that he had on a ministry trip that he took, and how it became so very apparent to him the necessity of "others", particularly of at least one other. Now of course, I have already addressed this issue myself on more then one occasion in various blogs, but a new level of  understanding/insight into my own life came with this most recent occurrence. It is here that my mind wandered from Henri's book deep into my own thoughts...

So as I was thinking about ministry, and as I also said, life itself, in pairs, this line of thought clashed with events and this clash birthed new thoughts. (Thoughts which I delicately label as such as they have not yet earned the labels of "revelation" or "deeper understanding"...) I have a friend whose opinion I greatly value and respect and while I am growing in my understanding of myself, I am still only partially aware of why this person (or any person for that matter...) has such a position in my psyche, and indeed, this experience actually prompted further insight into this, but that is off immediate topic, and may be surmised from my writing anyway, that remains to be seen... This friend is not immediately present currently, which makes communication a fair hurdle. But here is what I found...

Well first of all, I really shouldn't be trusted to make very many decisions on my own. There are going to be some decisions that I must by necessity stand alone on, and ones that I alone will answer for at the final judgement, but there are many, MANY that I would be remiss in not seeking some sort of council or partnering. At any rate, there was a decision that I have had to enter into and, as per usual, I at first let my emotions and gut make the decision, and this is where the other person comes in. I would have made a reactionary decision, and while it may end up being the same decision, had I gone with my "gut" I would have at best made the decision in the wrong way, and for the wrong reasons. Through my life I have run across some people that have impacted me, and for better or for worse (mostly better) they have become a voice in my life, either in actual audible voice, or even passing rarely into that "voice in my head" realm. Now granted, I am an odd guy. I will basically "talk" to myself and talk through decisions/ideas in my head, so as odd as it may seem, it only makes sense for me to talk to someone else, even if they are not actually present. This is where I found myself of late. I caught myself thinking, "What would so-and-so say/think?" The thoughts slowed me down and really helped my thought process, and for that I am grateful.

I do feel like I should clarify something here. In the Christian walk, there are many decisions to be made and one look at the make up of Christianity in out nation, and even our world, quickly shows that every decision in not clear, even those that fall obviously under the bracelet of "What Would Jesus Do?" There are still many times when the input of another Christian is helpful, and that is what I refer to here. Even the disciples, those that walked with Jesus for most of His time of ministry here on Earth, were commissioned and sent out in pairs. I am not downplaying God's role in my decision making process, and indeed, He is ALWAYS the first person that I speak to, but I do not think that the wisdom/patience/etc. of another Christian can be thrown out. I think it can, and is, an important part of our lives and I have been blessed with a few good friends that have walked with me and helped me decide the right path. For this I am thankful.