When I grow up I want to be like Heathcliff Huxtable....

I recently watched through Season 1 of The Cosby show and the one thing that kept hitting me over and over again was the relationship that Bill Cosby's character had with everyone else. I found myself seeing a realization of someone that I would love to be. Everyone in the show, everyone that he came into contact with knew they were cherished, loved and appreciated. It flowed from him. This is what allowed for much of the comedy on the show. Since all the other characters knew they were "loved" by Dr. Huxtable, he was free to joke around with them, be sarcastic, gently "rib" them. There was no confusion, or wondering "why is he picking on me?" etc. They knew it was all in fun. 

I wish I could be like this. I so often feel misunderstood. I constantly struggle with being misunderstood. I have to be so careful of joking around with people because it seems like we have such a hard time trusting people, and even accepting love. We are so concerned with how we stand that we cannot accept anything short of compliments. We forget that love is so much more often the cause of pain then anything else we may run across. Strangers don't really hurt us. Their opinions don't hold weight with us. Who cares if some random person calls me stupid? It means a lot less then if my best friend did. I think that there is selfishness and pride in our reactions to other people as well. We hold a place of high esteem in our own hearts and minds and if that comes under any sort of attack, real or simply wrongly perceived, we cannot handle it. We have to defend ourselves from the attack. How dare they? I think sometimes we lash back because we have this need to elevate ourselves. Or maybe it is our lack of self confidence? Sometimes we think of ourselves as low, and we spend our time trying to hide our short comings from everyone so when it seems like someone might be pointing them out, or has discovered them, we immediately throw up more battlements in our defense. Turn on an attack to distract and turn the tables. It is amazing how much pain we can cause ourselves out of our own frailty. Weakness begetting weakness. Oh how we long deep down to be loved! How afraid we are to allow ourselves to be loved though! Somehow, Dr. Huxtable was able to live above this. True, he was a fictional character, but I don't think that means such a life, such an aura, is unattainable. It is certainly a pursuit worthy of my efforts...

If you love me... Or Things I can promise...

Love. Something that I have pondered much. There is a beautiful side to it. Unfortunately, as we are human, there is a dark side as well... There are things that happen in love, things that may even be consequences of love... These are something that I think are a part of being both in love and being human...  I don't think that love can really be known without hurt and hardship. It is indistinguishable from simple comfort and convenience. It isn't until the crap hits the fan and a decision must be made about whether you are going to stand by someone that you, at least for the moment, cannot stand the sight of. When you see the choice and get to decide if it is worth the effort or not... But I digress...

Some things to look forward to if you love me... and if I love you...

That I will make you mad.
That you will wonder why you ever trusted me.
That I will make you cry.

That I will cry too.

For you see, love is tough, and love involves letting your heart out of its protective armor and letting someone else hold it. But the heart is a fragile thing. It is easily bruised. But without exposing it, without letting down defenses, we risk far more...

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

-CS Lewis, The Four Loves

I didn't want to...

I didn't want to "fall in love" you with you. I really didn't. I knew how it would end if I did... and I knew that end it would.

I honestly didn't want to. I didn't see it coming. I certainly wasn't looking for it. I didn't think it was even possible for me. I didn't no it until it as already over and I felt the void that came when it left. 

I didn't want to "fall in love" with you. Most people would probably say that I didn't. If I were one of them looking from the outside I would say the same. Even in the midst of it I would have said the same, but it is the only thing that makes how I felt when it ended make sense. Not to mention my complete ineptitude in the field now. 

I didn't want to "fall in love" with you. At least you were smart enough not to "fall in love" with me...

I wasn't listening to it, but just now I was reminded of City and Colour's "Save Your Scissors" from the album Sometimes... And of course Tom Waits' "I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You". Even, with some shame, Brittany's "Oops, I Did It Again"...

Hmmm...

I am feeling a bit disenfranchised from the world of inter-sexual relationships at the moment, and I have a couple of posts brewing because of this... (Meanwhile it is amazing how the present can be used to remind us of the past and all of the feelings that can come rushing back in that do not belong to the present...) In the interest of my own sanity, I am considering posting them, but I do feel I must warn you, my reader. It may not be a source of sunshine for your day, but it would be a source of honesty from mine. There is a silver lining hidden in them in that I truly do believe in love, and in the freedom that comes from giving your heart to someone else. I believe in these things more then I believe in just about anything. Yet I believe that these very beliefs are part of the cause for frustration for me. If I didn't believe in its power, its absence or loss wouldn't hurt. Anyway...

I miss you...

I think it is odd the things that we miss about people... sometimes the seemingly insignificant or miniscule things can be the things we miss the most...

-Just being able to talk
-Hanging out
-Getting to know you
-Planning adventures (yes, the PLANNING)
-Having adventures ;)
-Strands of hair falling in your face
-Receiving a text of a simple but perfect "smile"
-Making you laugh
-You exclaiming "You're kidding!" and being so serious!
-Sitting on your couch and being made fun of because I had a blanket
-Meeting your friends/family
-That smile that you used to toss back to me (made me feel like I was the only person around)
-Hearing you talk about your passion
-SEEING you talk about your passion
-How expressive the corners of your mouth are
-Playing guitar for you
-Never quite knowing how to end a day or say good-bye
-Your picture texts
-Road trips (even short ones)
-Making up scientific sounding explanations
-"Points" earning them and giving them out
-Knowing someone else likes pulpy orange juice (Do you know how long I thought I was the only one?!)
-Being made fun of and sarcasm (I always knew we were getting along extra well when you went that route)
-Your leg shaking (I actually think I caught that from you for a little while. That antibiotics seem to have helped...)
-Looking for that cave... How could someone have moved it?!
-Sitting next to you (And trying to figure out how to intentionally sit next to you without it being obvious... usually waiting for everyone else to sit an hoping the only chair left was by you... even though I don't remember that working all that often...)
-Zipped hoodies and torn/patched jeans (and stretchy jeans! Who knew?!)
-Orange chicken (but not that raw salmon)
-Accidentally leaving the offending salmon in a bookstore at 11pm
-Seeing you in 3-D glasses
-The prospect of "rescuing" you
-You checking to see if I made it home all right... all 3 blocks
-You reading Shel to me
-Having fun
-Sharing a Starbucks
-Skipping
-You driving ;-)
-You calling me Bradley (most people don't, some people I "let", and a very few I enjoy being called that by, guess which one you are...)
-Your eye twitch
-Wanting to be around you more the more I knew you
-Checking adventures off "The List"
-Sharing with you (anything, music, stories, a task, an evening, anything, even Elephant Bar spinach artichoke dip...)