I was asked again...

The other week I was informed that I church that I have been attending, a church that in a sense I help support by leading worship at, made what I felt was a irresponsible and selfish decision. Again let me say that is how "I" felt... and I guess still feel... It wasn't long ago that this church felt a need to spend 10's maybe 100's of thousands of dollars on their parking lot. I didn't and don't really understand the thought process behind such a decision. The church is located in the dead center of the San Joaquin Valley which is home to the largest concentration of poverty in America. It was very hard for me to swallow the decision to spend that volume of money on repaving a parking lot that wasn't that bad, that probably cost too much the first time around... The thought of the amount of lives, families and souls that could have been touched, and changed with that amount of money broke my heart. The church followed up that stewardship decision by donating $25,000 to Extreme Home Makeover. This decision was made on the spur of the moment, without consulting the congregation. The congregation first heard about the decision when they were told that they would have to find $25,000 to replace the money that was borrowed from another fund. They raised the money back, but I still had some serious issues with the church's financial decisions... You see, the decision of how to use the money of the church should have taken much more consideration, especially considering the poverty that surrounds this church. Extreme Home Makeover chooses 1 family from 4 finalists, which means that there are 3 families that won't be getting help, and could still use aid and are most likely just as "deserving"... And this doesn't even speak to the need of the thousands of families in need that were not even finalists, that were not even considered but as humans are also just as "deserving". Again, the thought of what could have been done with $25,000 is staggering. But instead it went to a family that was already getting an immense amount of help. The church was bragging that they are the first church that has made such a donation and it made me think, "No kidding... other churches are hopefully spending their money more wisely..." It also frustrated me that the church leadership would make a decision like this without including the body. It seems to me that that takes a lot of gaul and pride. It made me wonder who they think they are. And then to expect the body to just pick up the tab without question. That part of it actually scared me... And that the congregation accepted it and even promoted it without question or even skipping a beat was also cause for concern to me... I actually considered pulling myself from leading worship at this church as I wondered if the Lord would ask me about it at the judgement... What would I say? My head was clouded with frustration and anger...

I took some time to cool down before calling the leader of the group that I lead worship for to tell him that I couldn't be associated with a leadership that made decisions this way (A call I ended up not making)... In my depravity I had become very selfish in this. It became apparent that this may not be the right decision for me to make. It struck me that the young couple, or the new guy, or whomever, those that I was responsible for leading into worship, were not directly at fault for the church. The thought struck me that if God is using me to minister to those people, then it would not be fair or right to take that away from them. It struck me that I would have to answer for pulling myself out of the position He had placed me in. I don't say this in pride. I am in the position I am in because there simply wasn't anyone else to do it. Before I took over as the worship leader the only worship that the group was getting was two failed attempts to play a video of a band playing a song for everyone to sing along to. It didn't work either time and so the group went completely without. Again, not pride... but something had to be done and it was placed on my heart that I could help, and reluctantly I did. If I had left, it would go back to there being no one again, which I felt like I may have to answer for, especially considering that that was a decision that I was and am 100% responsible for...

But the plot wasn't done thickening yet... For better or for worse, I have been asked to join the leadership team for the Thursday night Young Adults group, taking my responsibilities beyond leading worship. Let me just say that this decision is one that I would like to be able to talk to a friend or two about... In light of the thoughts behind this post, which still linger... but I also have no, I repeat no interest in being in leadership, at least not that way, and I have even less interest in my role as such being defined mostly by my attendance at meetings. (I am not a fan of meetings in the least...) And of course, I don't know that I have any right being on a leadership team. There is a line in Batman Begins where Thomas Wayne tells Bruce that he leave the running of his company to "more interested men." That sums up my feelings pretty well... but still, I have been asked and I try to not make decisions too lightly and I try to make sure I find out what God is telling me by what He brings into my life... So I went to the first meeting and while it doesn't seem like I could/would have any more or less impact on the group by attending, and I didn't commit, I think that I still have a decision to make... So we'll see...

As far as the church and its decisions, I am trying to be less judgmental, I really am. I know that this post wasn't too positive or flattering, but I do realize that I am not a perfect person either so while I don't think that I have to agree with the decisions that the church makes and their future is not up to me, my future and how I allow God to use me does fall more on my shoulders so I need to make sure that I am making the decisions between God and I and not letting the actions of other "people" decide that. Others will have to answer for themselves and I will have to answer for myself... So we shall see...

Did a prayer walk the other day...

So the group that I attend "church" with is going to be starting a ministry with the families on "Motel Drive" here in Fresno.  Motel Drive is the name of a street in Fresno which has a row of low cost hotels on it. (Of course they are just "low cost" for hotels, with the cheapest starting at $25 a night...) It has come to be known as the place for the poor, the downtrodden, the drug addict, the prostitute and the pedophile to end up. There are a lot of hurting people there, including many children. While it remains to be seen how many in our little "group" will participate, and to what degree, it is already apparent that there are a few that will, and are saying, "It is not OK that this is going on. I have to do something about it." So we started with a prayer walk, my first time on Motel Drive. My first time seeing the broken, the needy, the children, the families...

Getting back to prayer though, it struck me during the prayers the type of walks that people have with the Lord, or at least the impressions of such that different people's prayers left me with. We walked with a woman that is a former prostitute that lived on Motel Drive many years ago in a one bedroom hotel room with her 3 small children. She has since been delivered from the life and afflictions of her time there and is now the founding director of the ministry that we will soon be partnering with, Levi Grace Ministries. It was her prayer that really stuck with me. Her prayer flowed with such conviction and confidence and strength. It was a prayer founded in both faith and a knowledge of the One to which the prayer was directed. Finally it had a flow that could only have come from hours of practice. In short, it was a prayer that I would aspire to in my better moments. The other prayers had varying effects on me, but it continued to strike me that the prayers coming out of people, or at least the type of prayers, the mood, cadence, content, etc. seemed to... well... they seemed to be just what I  would expect from the person offering them based on what I knew of that person and my interactions with them. 

I realize that this post could be misinterpreted fairly easily so I should clarify what I am saying... I do not consider myself a seasoned prayer warrior. I can pray, and I will pray, but I know that I have a long way to go... I hope there is not a judging tone in what I wrote. It is a simple observation of prayer. I know that we serve a God that is not as worried about our eloquence as He is about our hearts. But it did seem that prayer can be an indication of not our hearts, but perhaps of how we interact/relate to God and think about who He is. Some will fear, some will stand in awe, some will fall on their faces, some will run into His arms, some will cast themselves on His mercy. Some will request for Him to change, some will pray for themselves to change. Some will be confident, some will tremble. I just found it interesting and it made me think about prayer and how I interact with my God, something that I don't think is a bad thing to consider.