God created the world we live in and all its rules and He created us. He can live with us following the programming He created, and that programming is to love, Him first, but loving others is a close second. I can imagine that with us being programmed and drawn to love Him, an individual entity, it makes the most sense for us to love another single entity second, and so on down the line. I wonder who else can relate to this sort of a feeling, of individual attraction. We may love all dogs, but we love our dog the best. We may like kids, but we love our own the best. (They are basically physically and eternally the same, aren’t they? Why are our own kids “more” deserving of anything? Think about it…) I think it may just be how we work. A rule in this world, if you will, that when placed around everybody, with every one loving in their own way, everything somehow maintains a sort of balance. It could even be that the love for individual teaches us and allows us to love the group. Before I learned to love one person, I honestly didn’t know how to love anyone. In a more distant yet more specific example, before I loved my guitars, I couldn’t have cared less about other ones. Now I cringe when I see one bashed on stage where before I thought it was cool. I used to laugh hysterically when a child on TV would get hurt on one of those home video shows, now after working so closely with so many and now having young nieces and nephews, I find myself concerned even for the stranger and it just isn’t as funny any more. I think you see where I am going with this…
So there it is. Who would have thought it but love can be used for good. Even love pointed at someone other then God. It makes sense to think that we can love because He first loved us, and when I hear that until you love God you can’t truly love another. I think I believe that, despite its implications for the world without Christ. I don’t yet know how that relates. Maybe they can dimly get a grasp of love, being programmed the same way, while simultaneously being unable to fully and truly grasp it…
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Connections in the world...
Well, I have been thinking about something, in fact I have been battling this one for a long time in my head and so I don’t have answers to it. I have a lot of questions. Now it is true that there are statements clearly visible in the questions if you are willing to look hard enough, but they are still questions none the less… so here they come…
I know that I have been told, and I would like to think, that we don’t “need” other people, and that we shouldn’t let them control how we feel. I even wrote a blog on the myspace page linked to this blog about it. But I have some questions rising from my experience in this field. Please consider them rhetorical though. I feel I should also mention that I am not herein interested in theological or metaphysical arguments. I consider God to be the one and only constant in my life. The one thing that is always there, and always will be. The eternal source of joy and fulfillment, so these are given after that because we are still all human, whether we like it or not. And guess who made us that way…
What do you do when you find someone that makes your day better just by being a part of it?
What do you do?
What happens when you have a day that, by definition, is “worse” because they weren’t a part of it? Because if they had been it could have been better…
What do you do when you find someone that makes you feel invincible when you are around them? (It would seem that some would say that you should run away from that person because you only should allow God to affect you that way. And how do you argue with that statement?)
What do you do? Because it happens. I know it happens. It happened to me. Heck, it still happens to me. I think that it is supposed to happen…
There is a line in a Common “song” that goes “Addicted to your love girl I need another dose”. What do you do when you find yourself in that situation? Do you try to kick the habit? Just because it is a “habit”? (Habit of course being the wrong word here but…)
When you find yourself in a position where someone literally means “the world” to you, what do you do?
On the flip side what do you do because if there is someone like that, that can make you feel invincible, they can also make you feel intensely vulnerable? One seems to come with the other.
What do you do with someone whose absence can cause physical pain? Maybe I am the only one that has felt this…
Is it bad that we find ourselves in that position? What an incredible opportunity for us to have more complete eternal perspective. How do we think God feels about us? And how our actions affect Him? Do you believe that it saddens God when you sin? Or that He is unaffected? Do you believe that you can bring God joy? Or cause Him pain? So how then can we feel that we can’t/shouldn’t affect each other that way? And this is of course amplified many times in individual, select relationships…
I know it is a fine line, walking between loving someone else while loving God first. I know that. I understand that. I have struggled with that. But He knows. He even uses the relationship between people to illustrate His relationship with us. He created us to feel the way that we do. He didn’t create us to love only Him, He created us to love and His love for us causes us to love Him. Just like gravity it is the strongest force pulling the hardest, but also like gravity, it does not pull us in one single direction. (Ooops, I think I may have just opened up a can of worms on that one… I think I have another topic on my hands… stay tuned.) With that in mind I am going to cut this one loose, even though it feels a little incomplete, disjointed and whatever else… my mind has wandered into something which really should get its own posting… This, just like just about everything else, is more of a stream of consciousness rough draft, but it is honest and it is progressive so with that in mind I don't mind posting it...
(I should also add that there obviously isn't a single person that affects me, there just seems to be one that affects me more often and more completely though...)
I know that I have been told, and I would like to think, that we don’t “need” other people, and that we shouldn’t let them control how we feel. I even wrote a blog on the myspace page linked to this blog about it. But I have some questions rising from my experience in this field. Please consider them rhetorical though. I feel I should also mention that I am not herein interested in theological or metaphysical arguments. I consider God to be the one and only constant in my life. The one thing that is always there, and always will be. The eternal source of joy and fulfillment, so these are given after that because we are still all human, whether we like it or not. And guess who made us that way…
What do you do when you find someone that makes your day better just by being a part of it?
What do you do?
What happens when you have a day that, by definition, is “worse” because they weren’t a part of it? Because if they had been it could have been better…
What do you do when you find someone that makes you feel invincible when you are around them? (It would seem that some would say that you should run away from that person because you only should allow God to affect you that way. And how do you argue with that statement?)
What do you do? Because it happens. I know it happens. It happened to me. Heck, it still happens to me. I think that it is supposed to happen…
There is a line in a Common “song” that goes “Addicted to your love girl I need another dose”. What do you do when you find yourself in that situation? Do you try to kick the habit? Just because it is a “habit”? (Habit of course being the wrong word here but…)
When you find yourself in a position where someone literally means “the world” to you, what do you do?
On the flip side what do you do because if there is someone like that, that can make you feel invincible, they can also make you feel intensely vulnerable? One seems to come with the other.
What do you do with someone whose absence can cause physical pain? Maybe I am the only one that has felt this…
Is it bad that we find ourselves in that position? What an incredible opportunity for us to have more complete eternal perspective. How do we think God feels about us? And how our actions affect Him? Do you believe that it saddens God when you sin? Or that He is unaffected? Do you believe that you can bring God joy? Or cause Him pain? So how then can we feel that we can’t/shouldn’t affect each other that way? And this is of course amplified many times in individual, select relationships…
I know it is a fine line, walking between loving someone else while loving God first. I know that. I understand that. I have struggled with that. But He knows. He even uses the relationship between people to illustrate His relationship with us. He created us to feel the way that we do. He didn’t create us to love only Him, He created us to love and His love for us causes us to love Him. Just like gravity it is the strongest force pulling the hardest, but also like gravity, it does not pull us in one single direction. (Ooops, I think I may have just opened up a can of worms on that one… I think I have another topic on my hands… stay tuned.) With that in mind I am going to cut this one loose, even though it feels a little incomplete, disjointed and whatever else… my mind has wandered into something which really should get its own posting… This, just like just about everything else, is more of a stream of consciousness rough draft, but it is honest and it is progressive so with that in mind I don't mind posting it...
(I should also add that there obviously isn't a single person that affects me, there just seems to be one that affects me more often and more completely though...)
Thoughts on prayer...
Prayer… I found myself thinking about prayer the other day. It seems that I have in the past prayed for, and even been taught to pray for, carrots. And I of course mean carrots in the figurative sense, not actual carrots. I mean things that I want, magic tricks, selfish desires, etc. Now I hesitate with the last description, but at the end of the day, that is what many of my prayers have boiled down to. “Lord give me this” or “Lord do this for me”. It strikes me like so many of the prescription drug commercials that I have seen. You know the ones. The one in which you receive a 15 second lesson about the drug, given by the company that will profit from its sale that ends with the commercial telling you that the next step is to go and tell your Dr. that you need it. Because without your help, and extensive knowledge, they may never do the right thing for you. I have prayed like that before. “Ummm… Lord… I just thought of something you missed… Turns out I need ______. Don’t worry though, I am not mad, I missed it to… at first… but its all good now. Just hand it over so I can be happy…” This, of course is an oversimplification, but hopefully you catch my meaning. I pray for what I want. Me to stop feeling lonely, financial security, a better job, that I wouldn’t sin so much, that the guy in the car ahead of me would get out of my way already, and the list goes on… and on… Or perhaps I am sometimes more noble… Praying for someone to be healed, or for orphans to not go hungry, or for someone to give that guy on the street a chance, or a sandwich, or that kids would have someone to hang out with… Noble wishes. And while I am not necessarily directly condemning these prayers, I am just thinking about how I pray… They still seem an aweful lot like me telling God what He should do… inherent in which is, whether I want to say it out loud or not, the assumption that I, at least in this area, know better then God…
But how should I pray? There is a quote by Soren Kierkegaard which goes something like this (and I apologize for not being able to locate his exact phrasing), “Prayer does not change God, but it does change him who prays…” I like it. God is, well He is pretty much It. In fact one of His names is I AM. Yep, He is. There isn’t anything lacking in Him. There aren’t things that He doesn’t know… and this included anything and everything that I could ever pray for or about. So what do I do? I would think that a logical progression would be to try to find myself in God’s plan, and try to align that in my prayers and in my life. Praying not that I wouldn’t be tempted, but that I would see the temptation and be able to rise above it with His guidance, all while learning what He has for me to learn. Praying for the humility to actually give of myself instead of just giving my prayers to someone. Not necessarily praying for change, but believing that God has me right where He wants me and praying that I would be the best that I can be where I am. Not praying to avoid or escape hardship, but that I would use the hardship as best I can to allow myself to be sharpened by it. (How sharp would a knife be if it “escaped” after the first pass of the file?) And praying for His eyes, to see what He sees, His perspective. If we could have that, I think that our prayer lives would change dramatically. If we could see that plan, the big picture, the way that He does, we would pray for very different things. I would even go so far as to say that if we simply believe that He CAN see the big plan, and that He IS in already in control, our prayer lives would change dramatically.
But here is yet another thought, and this idea, if I remember right, originated in something that CS Lewis (coinciding with the Kierkegaard phrase) said basically, in the forced practice of something, in this case prayer, I can change my thought process, and thus change myself. Teaching myself to think of others, or even taking a look at my own needs in prayer, can offer a good deal of perspective… perspective which used correctly can bring about change and action. So perhaps there is still something to be said for training ourselves to think of ourselves as needy, or at least to recognize our needs from an eternal perspective. Praying for our needs helps us to notice them, and noticing them can cause us to do what we can about them. And perhaps there is power in that as well…
But how should I pray? There is a quote by Soren Kierkegaard which goes something like this (and I apologize for not being able to locate his exact phrasing), “Prayer does not change God, but it does change him who prays…” I like it. God is, well He is pretty much It. In fact one of His names is I AM. Yep, He is. There isn’t anything lacking in Him. There aren’t things that He doesn’t know… and this included anything and everything that I could ever pray for or about. So what do I do? I would think that a logical progression would be to try to find myself in God’s plan, and try to align that in my prayers and in my life. Praying not that I wouldn’t be tempted, but that I would see the temptation and be able to rise above it with His guidance, all while learning what He has for me to learn. Praying for the humility to actually give of myself instead of just giving my prayers to someone. Not necessarily praying for change, but believing that God has me right where He wants me and praying that I would be the best that I can be where I am. Not praying to avoid or escape hardship, but that I would use the hardship as best I can to allow myself to be sharpened by it. (How sharp would a knife be if it “escaped” after the first pass of the file?) And praying for His eyes, to see what He sees, His perspective. If we could have that, I think that our prayer lives would change dramatically. If we could see that plan, the big picture, the way that He does, we would pray for very different things. I would even go so far as to say that if we simply believe that He CAN see the big plan, and that He IS in already in control, our prayer lives would change dramatically.
But here is yet another thought, and this idea, if I remember right, originated in something that CS Lewis (coinciding with the Kierkegaard phrase) said basically, in the forced practice of something, in this case prayer, I can change my thought process, and thus change myself. Teaching myself to think of others, or even taking a look at my own needs in prayer, can offer a good deal of perspective… perspective which used correctly can bring about change and action. So perhaps there is still something to be said for training ourselves to think of ourselves as needy, or at least to recognize our needs from an eternal perspective. Praying for our needs helps us to notice them, and noticing them can cause us to do what we can about them. And perhaps there is power in that as well…
Well... here goes...
Well, I have been doing some thinking and have decided to move forward. I have not been completely forthcoming of late in my blogs, thus the space in time between them. Seems I have been having some thoughts, and I was concerned about allowing those thoughts to fall into the wrong hands. In thinking today it seemed that that wasn’t being very honest to my reader so I have decided to go ahead. I must also warn that another reason for not posting them is the simple fact that posting them is still going to be difficult to do in relation to my previous post about representing myself. These may at first glance make my life and times seem hard, and indeed at times I do struggle, but that does not mean my life isn’t good. It is very good. But maybe I am hoping that I will aid my own search for clarity by bringing these thoughts out. This blog, believe it or not, is just as much for me as it is for… well, let’s just say I consider myself a subscriber. At any rate, I will be trying to do justice to the last few things that I have been thinking about and try to post them in order starting with the first, very brief one. Thank goodness for long weekends.
The definition of screwed, given in a logical progression… (sorry, while it seems a bit harsh, and it is, and in that sense, not entirely correct, I really couldn't think of a word other then "screwed"...)
1. There is one person that you want to be around... for some reason, strikes a chord and resonates with you... One person that, for whatever reason, you seem to value above others...
2. That one person doesn’t show any signs of reciprocation/feeling the same way/really noticing you much at all... Actually doesn't show much of anything...
3. Condition #2 has no effect on condition #1.
And there you have it. Any questions?
And yes, there is a bit of tongue in cheek to this... a bit...
The definition of screwed, given in a logical progression… (sorry, while it seems a bit harsh, and it is, and in that sense, not entirely correct, I really couldn't think of a word other then "screwed"...)
1. There is one person that you want to be around... for some reason, strikes a chord and resonates with you... One person that, for whatever reason, you seem to value above others...
2. That one person doesn’t show any signs of reciprocation/feeling the same way/really noticing you much at all... Actually doesn't show much of anything...
3. Condition #2 has no effect on condition #1.
And there you have it. Any questions?
And yes, there is a bit of tongue in cheek to this... a bit...
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Holy Misrepresentin' Batman!
So I realized today that I may have erred in my writing of the previous post. It isn't me, while it does represent a part of me. I guess it is the dramatic part at times. I don't often feel compelled to write out of feelings of joy (which I do have quite often), instead I often feel compelled to write out of feelings that many would consider negative (which I consider to be such at times, but also prods, or convictions, or frustrations coming from a desire for greater things, and a knowledge that the possibility of greatness is not enough to spur it into existence). Some emotions seem to cause introspection more then others. I guess I am saying that this blog could easily be very lopsided, something that I will have to keep an eye on, even with this addition as a disclaimer of sorts... Smile!
Listening to whatever pops up in random in my iTunes, New Hampshire by Jason Reeves as I type this off of an impressively (all be it not so sunnily) titled album, The Magnificent Adventures of Heartache.
Listening to whatever pops up in random in my iTunes, New Hampshire by Jason Reeves as I type this off of an impressively (all be it not so sunnily) titled album, The Magnificent Adventures of Heartache.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
The purpose of this blog?
I was thinking about this blog today, and about myself and perhaps motivations for writing and I was reminded of a quote that Mr. Rogers (yes, THE Mr. Rogers) carried around with him often. It was said by a woman named Mary Lou Kownacki and it went, "There isn't anyone you couldn't love once you've heard their story." I think I am there, at least I try to be there, with other people. It is often hard to get past the first impressions that we get, but I have found them to be wrong in many cases. Everyone has a story, and every one is created in His image. My previous job experiences have helped me to look for and see God more in people. There are other reasons for this as well, ones that are far more personal, and perhaps the subject of a separate post. At any rate, the reason that this came to mind in the first place, and perhaps a reason for blogging is that I want to be known. No matter how shy I am, or guarded, or quiet, I want to be known. I feel misunderstood so often, more so then I feel understood. In fact, I think it is rare that I feel understood, unless I purposely leave parts out to "simplify" what is really running deeper within me. Yet I still want to be known. For all the fear that comes with letting someone in, I want to be known. For all the risk of exposing what is underneath the armor, I want to be known...
And I think at the end of the day, I want to be loved, and I feel that I can't be loved if I am not known. I can't believe that I am loved if I have secrets, if there are things that I have hidden, fears, transgressions, wrongs, thoughts, secrets, all things that for better or for worse are a part of me... are me. Without this knowledge I am empowering someone to only love part of me, and thus only partially love me. Which as I write it seems to draw trust in as an issue... I know I have been hurt, and I know that it is hard for me to trust people, not only because of how things have gone down in past relationships, but also because it is hard for me to trust, to really believe, that someone can love me. I know the depths of my heart, and the depths of my sin. My flesh is dark. It is dirty. There are some real skeletons in my closet. Sure, they are not as bad as others, but still they are there. And they can't be gotten rid of. They can be exposed. They can be seen. They can be understood. They can be forgiven. But they can't be removed. Who knows, maybe I even want to keep them in there so I have something to hang my coat on... For better or for worse, they are a part of who I am today.
Skeletons can be scary, but we all have at least one of them. And they all have a story. This post got a little ramblish, but hopefully some coherence can be seen. I am not much for the "delete" key, it doesn't seem very honest at times, at least not as honest as not using it. While minds can change, and grammar corrected, there is something to be said for a snapshot of the progression of thought in my mind. I know better, and I hope that I am humble enough to realize that I am always learning. But the journey still has value even when the destination is reached.
Listening to Thriving Ivory's self titled debut album.
And I think at the end of the day, I want to be loved, and I feel that I can't be loved if I am not known. I can't believe that I am loved if I have secrets, if there are things that I have hidden, fears, transgressions, wrongs, thoughts, secrets, all things that for better or for worse are a part of me... are me. Without this knowledge I am empowering someone to only love part of me, and thus only partially love me. Which as I write it seems to draw trust in as an issue... I know I have been hurt, and I know that it is hard for me to trust people, not only because of how things have gone down in past relationships, but also because it is hard for me to trust, to really believe, that someone can love me. I know the depths of my heart, and the depths of my sin. My flesh is dark. It is dirty. There are some real skeletons in my closet. Sure, they are not as bad as others, but still they are there. And they can't be gotten rid of. They can be exposed. They can be seen. They can be understood. They can be forgiven. But they can't be removed. Who knows, maybe I even want to keep them in there so I have something to hang my coat on... For better or for worse, they are a part of who I am today.
Skeletons can be scary, but we all have at least one of them. And they all have a story. This post got a little ramblish, but hopefully some coherence can be seen. I am not much for the "delete" key, it doesn't seem very honest at times, at least not as honest as not using it. While minds can change, and grammar corrected, there is something to be said for a snapshot of the progression of thought in my mind. I know better, and I hope that I am humble enough to realize that I am always learning. But the journey still has value even when the destination is reached.
Listening to Thriving Ivory's self titled debut album.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Hope...
1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best
2. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence
3. to believe, desire, or trust
4. to feel that something desired may happen
Hope... this past 6 months or so I have been learning the power of hope... and that it can be a terrible, difficult thing... and that like a mind, it is a terrible thing to waste...
I am a pretty hopeful guy I think. (For all my "cynicism", it is just because I want to be better, I want everyone else to be better, and I think... hope that things and people can be better. Myself included.) I sure do hope a lot, and for a lot of different things. I hope that I can be strong and stand up for what is right. I hope that others will be able to do the same. I hope that I can trust people. That they can trust me. I hope that I will find peace wherever the Lord takes me. I hope that I can bring peace to those that need it. I hope that someday I can be with someone that understands me. I hope to be loved. I hope when the time is right, I can step up and give love, real love. I hope that my life will be worthy of having a movie made out of it to tell my story. I hope to live a life like that.
And yet... I can't help but wonder... is there a point that you should "give up" hope? If not "hope", then at least a hope in something specific or particular? I think I am starting to see how hope can be detrimental... I wonder if at some point hope changes to imagination, or at least fancy, followed by lunacy...
What if you find out that what you had hoped for really wouldn't be "for the best"?
I think I like hope a whole lot more when I don't even notice that I have it than when I have to rely on it as... well, as my only hope...
Wow, this could be the darkest post ever about the topic of "hope"! That just isn't a good representation of the case for me. It isn't a dark time. I have a great life... but there are things that have been hoped for that just aren't happening, and I guess I am trying to take out my feelings so that I can have a look at them as I try to decide what this life is all about and what to do about it. Maybe some things just shouldn't be hoped for, maybe we should be hoping for better... or maybe we should be willing to take a look around ourselves to see if perhaps what we hoped for is already there, just not in the shape that we thought it would come.
Jeremiah 29:11
Listening to Drown off of Chasen's album Shine Through The Stars
2. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence
3. to believe, desire, or trust
4. to feel that something desired may happen
Hope... this past 6 months or so I have been learning the power of hope... and that it can be a terrible, difficult thing... and that like a mind, it is a terrible thing to waste...
I am a pretty hopeful guy I think. (For all my "cynicism", it is just because I want to be better, I want everyone else to be better, and I think... hope that things and people can be better. Myself included.) I sure do hope a lot, and for a lot of different things. I hope that I can be strong and stand up for what is right. I hope that others will be able to do the same. I hope that I can trust people. That they can trust me. I hope that I will find peace wherever the Lord takes me. I hope that I can bring peace to those that need it. I hope that someday I can be with someone that understands me. I hope to be loved. I hope when the time is right, I can step up and give love, real love. I hope that my life will be worthy of having a movie made out of it to tell my story. I hope to live a life like that.
And yet... I can't help but wonder... is there a point that you should "give up" hope? If not "hope", then at least a hope in something specific or particular? I think I am starting to see how hope can be detrimental... I wonder if at some point hope changes to imagination, or at least fancy, followed by lunacy...
What if you find out that what you had hoped for really wouldn't be "for the best"?
I think I like hope a whole lot more when I don't even notice that I have it than when I have to rely on it as... well, as my only hope...
Wow, this could be the darkest post ever about the topic of "hope"! That just isn't a good representation of the case for me. It isn't a dark time. I have a great life... but there are things that have been hoped for that just aren't happening, and I guess I am trying to take out my feelings so that I can have a look at them as I try to decide what this life is all about and what to do about it. Maybe some things just shouldn't be hoped for, maybe we should be hoping for better... or maybe we should be willing to take a look around ourselves to see if perhaps what we hoped for is already there, just not in the shape that we thought it would come.
Jeremiah 29:11
Listening to Drown off of Chasen's album Shine Through The Stars
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