Why?

Why does my heart work the way that it does?

Why do some aspects of who I am seem to be completely out of my control?

Why can't I make some choices, change my ways, even for the better? Even when I know that the choice, when made will add years to my life?

Why do I continue to perform the same action over and over again and always expect "this time" will be different? Why am I insane Albert?

Why do I still try to reach out?

Why do I still try?

Why do I feel compelled?

Why can't I keep you out of my thoughts?

Why are you the first person that I want to celebrate with when something "good" happens?

Why are you the first person I want to listen when something "bad" happens?

Why do I want anything to do with you?

Why?

Why?

Why do I think of you when a sad song comes on the radio?

...then one day, you'll wake up and she'll be home...

It meant a TON to me the time that you called. I know I've said it before but for whatever reason, the slightest effort makes a significant impact. I have really missed our chats, no matter how brief...

I have recently been reminded of something I have been wrestling with, but afraid to really speak. I am glad, and even proud, to call you a friend but with that in mind, losing that friendship is not something that I want to face.

Going back to honesty, it scares me to think about seeing you again. Perhaps it is better put that I am afraid of your impending proximity. I am afraid that without being able to catch you online, without distance keeping you from other people, there won't be any time left for me... Even while knowing that that wouldn't be the reason, because there is always time when the amount isn't the part that matters... and we always have time for what is important to us... and that sums up my fear pretty well too, because time can also be a barometer for that very reason...

I'll let you guess what I was listening too...

The trouble with honesty...

Honesty... It's something that I seem to struggle with, but maybe not
the way you'd think... I can be honest, but sometimes I don't know
WHEN to be honest. It has always struck me that sometimes being honest
or "open" can be a huge mistake & that is what I struggle with. Have
you ever told somebody something that was true only to regret it
later? I've felt that way, but I am not sure that "regret is the right
word. I don't think that my mind/heart can accept the feeling of
regret for speaking the truth... but there it is.

So here we go... I find myself wondering what a day would be like
without a thought of you. Or any length of time for that matter. Who
are you? I have realistically known you for a mere couple of months
and not known you for a year and a half. In a lot of ways of feels like you've been gone since
even before then...

Sometimes I find myself wondering what is wrong with me. I have some
interest in the way things work, & the way EVERYTHING works. Including
the human mind. I find myself looking at what I call symptoms and
trying to find the cause of the symptom. So what is in me that can
explain how I get stuck like this? What is it? What can I do for
"treatment"? Do I even want to be treated? Which of course comes from
the question, "Is it a negative to be the way that I am?"And then it has to be asked if there is an outside factor causing the symptom? It has to at least be considered if the root is to be proved.

Honesty... the idea leaves me with so many varying thoughts...