Somedays I honestly believe that I am so screwed up that I will never even be capable of a chance at getting it right...

I'm not needy...

I'm not needy, I promise. Those that have paid close attention to previous posts would know, or at least be somewhat familiar with the concept. I just miss you. Sometimes someone walks in that just grabs attention and it is of no intentional offense to others that they just no longer enter the forefront of my psyche as often. They have been pushed to the side. I wouldn't call it need, I would call it want. There's got to be someone like that, doesn't there? I mean there is pretty much always going to be someone that leads the pack, that is out front a little, even if only by a slim margin. Someone winning the race to the front of the line when I want to share, or confer, or just say hi to at any given moment... You seem to win a lot...

And can I help it if technology is so dang easy? (At least it is on my end, even if it doesn't seem to be on other ends...) It takes 2 key strokes and even less seconds to say "hi". I happen to think that you are worth even more then that so why would I keep that time to myself? Why does it seem so easy to measure my worth by the lack of these... It is tough knowing that all it takes is the slightest of efforts to bring a lasting smile, and it never arrives...

I've never been good at "the game". I don't know that I want to be. It feels too much like lying to me. I guess I am not one to play it cool just because someone somewhere thought that I should. If I want to say hi, why wouldn't I? I can't think of a reason not to, nor can I think of a reason that would cause that desire or acting on it to be offensive or troublesome. I can't think of anything that I don't want to share with you. And again, I can't think of why that would be bad. I mean "want" in the active sense, the only sense that I try to use the word.

Maybe I have been too soft spoken. Maybe I have been too forgiving. Maybe I have communicated that little to nothing is enough. I can take responsibility for that. In my effort to not make waves that I fear could push you away, I have not communicated myself. I hope someday to have the courage to risk losing everything because if I don't then it looks like there is a good chance that that is exactly what I will do...

Ryan Adams "Heartbreaker" album and thinking about Ryan Adams & The Cardinals song "If I Am A Stranger"...