I was asked again...

The other week I was informed that I church that I have been attending, a church that in a sense I help support by leading worship at, made what I felt was a irresponsible and selfish decision. Again let me say that is how "I" felt... and I guess still feel... It wasn't long ago that this church felt a need to spend 10's maybe 100's of thousands of dollars on their parking lot. I didn't and don't really understand the thought process behind such a decision. The church is located in the dead center of the San Joaquin Valley which is home to the largest concentration of poverty in America. It was very hard for me to swallow the decision to spend that volume of money on repaving a parking lot that wasn't that bad, that probably cost too much the first time around... The thought of the amount of lives, families and souls that could have been touched, and changed with that amount of money broke my heart. The church followed up that stewardship decision by donating $25,000 to Extreme Home Makeover. This decision was made on the spur of the moment, without consulting the congregation. The congregation first heard about the decision when they were told that they would have to find $25,000 to replace the money that was borrowed from another fund. They raised the money back, but I still had some serious issues with the church's financial decisions... You see, the decision of how to use the money of the church should have taken much more consideration, especially considering the poverty that surrounds this church. Extreme Home Makeover chooses 1 family from 4 finalists, which means that there are 3 families that won't be getting help, and could still use aid and are most likely just as "deserving"... And this doesn't even speak to the need of the thousands of families in need that were not even finalists, that were not even considered but as humans are also just as "deserving". Again, the thought of what could have been done with $25,000 is staggering. But instead it went to a family that was already getting an immense amount of help. The church was bragging that they are the first church that has made such a donation and it made me think, "No kidding... other churches are hopefully spending their money more wisely..." It also frustrated me that the church leadership would make a decision like this without including the body. It seems to me that that takes a lot of gaul and pride. It made me wonder who they think they are. And then to expect the body to just pick up the tab without question. That part of it actually scared me... And that the congregation accepted it and even promoted it without question or even skipping a beat was also cause for concern to me... I actually considered pulling myself from leading worship at this church as I wondered if the Lord would ask me about it at the judgement... What would I say? My head was clouded with frustration and anger...

I took some time to cool down before calling the leader of the group that I lead worship for to tell him that I couldn't be associated with a leadership that made decisions this way (A call I ended up not making)... In my depravity I had become very selfish in this. It became apparent that this may not be the right decision for me to make. It struck me that the young couple, or the new guy, or whomever, those that I was responsible for leading into worship, were not directly at fault for the church. The thought struck me that if God is using me to minister to those people, then it would not be fair or right to take that away from them. It struck me that I would have to answer for pulling myself out of the position He had placed me in. I don't say this in pride. I am in the position I am in because there simply wasn't anyone else to do it. Before I took over as the worship leader the only worship that the group was getting was two failed attempts to play a video of a band playing a song for everyone to sing along to. It didn't work either time and so the group went completely without. Again, not pride... but something had to be done and it was placed on my heart that I could help, and reluctantly I did. If I had left, it would go back to there being no one again, which I felt like I may have to answer for, especially considering that that was a decision that I was and am 100% responsible for...

But the plot wasn't done thickening yet... For better or for worse, I have been asked to join the leadership team for the Thursday night Young Adults group, taking my responsibilities beyond leading worship. Let me just say that this decision is one that I would like to be able to talk to a friend or two about... In light of the thoughts behind this post, which still linger... but I also have no, I repeat no interest in being in leadership, at least not that way, and I have even less interest in my role as such being defined mostly by my attendance at meetings. (I am not a fan of meetings in the least...) And of course, I don't know that I have any right being on a leadership team. There is a line in Batman Begins where Thomas Wayne tells Bruce that he leave the running of his company to "more interested men." That sums up my feelings pretty well... but still, I have been asked and I try to not make decisions too lightly and I try to make sure I find out what God is telling me by what He brings into my life... So I went to the first meeting and while it doesn't seem like I could/would have any more or less impact on the group by attending, and I didn't commit, I think that I still have a decision to make... So we'll see...

As far as the church and its decisions, I am trying to be less judgmental, I really am. I know that this post wasn't too positive or flattering, but I do realize that I am not a perfect person either so while I don't think that I have to agree with the decisions that the church makes and their future is not up to me, my future and how I allow God to use me does fall more on my shoulders so I need to make sure that I am making the decisions between God and I and not letting the actions of other "people" decide that. Others will have to answer for themselves and I will have to answer for myself... So we shall see...

Did a prayer walk the other day...

So the group that I attend "church" with is going to be starting a ministry with the families on "Motel Drive" here in Fresno.  Motel Drive is the name of a street in Fresno which has a row of low cost hotels on it. (Of course they are just "low cost" for hotels, with the cheapest starting at $25 a night...) It has come to be known as the place for the poor, the downtrodden, the drug addict, the prostitute and the pedophile to end up. There are a lot of hurting people there, including many children. While it remains to be seen how many in our little "group" will participate, and to what degree, it is already apparent that there are a few that will, and are saying, "It is not OK that this is going on. I have to do something about it." So we started with a prayer walk, my first time on Motel Drive. My first time seeing the broken, the needy, the children, the families...

Getting back to prayer though, it struck me during the prayers the type of walks that people have with the Lord, or at least the impressions of such that different people's prayers left me with. We walked with a woman that is a former prostitute that lived on Motel Drive many years ago in a one bedroom hotel room with her 3 small children. She has since been delivered from the life and afflictions of her time there and is now the founding director of the ministry that we will soon be partnering with, Levi Grace Ministries. It was her prayer that really stuck with me. Her prayer flowed with such conviction and confidence and strength. It was a prayer founded in both faith and a knowledge of the One to which the prayer was directed. Finally it had a flow that could only have come from hours of practice. In short, it was a prayer that I would aspire to in my better moments. The other prayers had varying effects on me, but it continued to strike me that the prayers coming out of people, or at least the type of prayers, the mood, cadence, content, etc. seemed to... well... they seemed to be just what I  would expect from the person offering them based on what I knew of that person and my interactions with them. 

I realize that this post could be misinterpreted fairly easily so I should clarify what I am saying... I do not consider myself a seasoned prayer warrior. I can pray, and I will pray, but I know that I have a long way to go... I hope there is not a judging tone in what I wrote. It is a simple observation of prayer. I know that we serve a God that is not as worried about our eloquence as He is about our hearts. But it did seem that prayer can be an indication of not our hearts, but perhaps of how we interact/relate to God and think about who He is. Some will fear, some will stand in awe, some will fall on their faces, some will run into His arms, some will cast themselves on His mercy. Some will request for Him to change, some will pray for themselves to change. Some will be confident, some will tremble. I just found it interesting and it made me think about prayer and how I interact with my God, something that I don't think is a bad thing to consider. 

So I have yet another dilemma on my hands... I'll just be honest and say it, it is along the lines of WWJD, but with a twist. You see, I have had some ideas rolling around in my head for a while, and as seems prone to happen, this one was clarified by a book that I just finished by Henri Nouwen. And as also happens, the book really didn't address the thoughts in my head, but a phrase catalyzed what thoughts I did have into cohesion. And so I will start with that thought. Henri's book "In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership" is the book in question for those taking notes. In the book, one of the things that Henri finds himself discussing is the idea that ministry, and indeed life, is not meant to be undertaken alone. Let's not forget that Henri has written at length about the virtues and necessity of solitude and the importance of such in one's individual relationship with God, but that is certainly not the only aspect of our walk/time here in these oh so mortal shells. Again, written for clarity. At any rate, as I said, he was mentioning an experience that he had on a ministry trip that he took, and how it became so very apparent to him the necessity of "others", particularly of at least one other. Now of course, I have already addressed this issue myself on more then one occasion in various blogs, but a new level of  understanding/insight into my own life came with this most recent occurrence. It is here that my mind wandered from Henri's book deep into my own thoughts...

So as I was thinking about ministry, and as I also said, life itself, in pairs, this line of thought clashed with events and this clash birthed new thoughts. (Thoughts which I delicately label as such as they have not yet earned the labels of "revelation" or "deeper understanding"...) I have a friend whose opinion I greatly value and respect and while I am growing in my understanding of myself, I am still only partially aware of why this person (or any person for that matter...) has such a position in my psyche, and indeed, this experience actually prompted further insight into this, but that is off immediate topic, and may be surmised from my writing anyway, that remains to be seen... This friend is not immediately present currently, which makes communication a fair hurdle. But here is what I found...

Well first of all, I really shouldn't be trusted to make very many decisions on my own. There are going to be some decisions that I must by necessity stand alone on, and ones that I alone will answer for at the final judgement, but there are many, MANY that I would be remiss in not seeking some sort of council or partnering. At any rate, there was a decision that I have had to enter into and, as per usual, I at first let my emotions and gut make the decision, and this is where the other person comes in. I would have made a reactionary decision, and while it may end up being the same decision, had I gone with my "gut" I would have at best made the decision in the wrong way, and for the wrong reasons. Through my life I have run across some people that have impacted me, and for better or for worse (mostly better) they have become a voice in my life, either in actual audible voice, or even passing rarely into that "voice in my head" realm. Now granted, I am an odd guy. I will basically "talk" to myself and talk through decisions/ideas in my head, so as odd as it may seem, it only makes sense for me to talk to someone else, even if they are not actually present. This is where I found myself of late. I caught myself thinking, "What would so-and-so say/think?" The thoughts slowed me down and really helped my thought process, and for that I am grateful.

I do feel like I should clarify something here. In the Christian walk, there are many decisions to be made and one look at the make up of Christianity in out nation, and even our world, quickly shows that every decision in not clear, even those that fall obviously under the bracelet of "What Would Jesus Do?" There are still many times when the input of another Christian is helpful, and that is what I refer to here. Even the disciples, those that walked with Jesus for most of His time of ministry here on Earth, were commissioned and sent out in pairs. I am not downplaying God's role in my decision making process, and indeed, He is ALWAYS the first person that I speak to, but I do not think that the wisdom/patience/etc. of another Christian can be thrown out. I think it can, and is, an important part of our lives and I have been blessed with a few good friends that have walked with me and helped me decide the right path. For this I am thankful.

When I grow up I want to be like Heathcliff Huxtable....

I recently watched through Season 1 of The Cosby show and the one thing that kept hitting me over and over again was the relationship that Bill Cosby's character had with everyone else. I found myself seeing a realization of someone that I would love to be. Everyone in the show, everyone that he came into contact with knew they were cherished, loved and appreciated. It flowed from him. This is what allowed for much of the comedy on the show. Since all the other characters knew they were "loved" by Dr. Huxtable, he was free to joke around with them, be sarcastic, gently "rib" them. There was no confusion, or wondering "why is he picking on me?" etc. They knew it was all in fun. 

I wish I could be like this. I so often feel misunderstood. I constantly struggle with being misunderstood. I have to be so careful of joking around with people because it seems like we have such a hard time trusting people, and even accepting love. We are so concerned with how we stand that we cannot accept anything short of compliments. We forget that love is so much more often the cause of pain then anything else we may run across. Strangers don't really hurt us. Their opinions don't hold weight with us. Who cares if some random person calls me stupid? It means a lot less then if my best friend did. I think that there is selfishness and pride in our reactions to other people as well. We hold a place of high esteem in our own hearts and minds and if that comes under any sort of attack, real or simply wrongly perceived, we cannot handle it. We have to defend ourselves from the attack. How dare they? I think sometimes we lash back because we have this need to elevate ourselves. Or maybe it is our lack of self confidence? Sometimes we think of ourselves as low, and we spend our time trying to hide our short comings from everyone so when it seems like someone might be pointing them out, or has discovered them, we immediately throw up more battlements in our defense. Turn on an attack to distract and turn the tables. It is amazing how much pain we can cause ourselves out of our own frailty. Weakness begetting weakness. Oh how we long deep down to be loved! How afraid we are to allow ourselves to be loved though! Somehow, Dr. Huxtable was able to live above this. True, he was a fictional character, but I don't think that means such a life, such an aura, is unattainable. It is certainly a pursuit worthy of my efforts...

If you love me... Or Things I can promise...

Love. Something that I have pondered much. There is a beautiful side to it. Unfortunately, as we are human, there is a dark side as well... There are things that happen in love, things that may even be consequences of love... These are something that I think are a part of being both in love and being human...  I don't think that love can really be known without hurt and hardship. It is indistinguishable from simple comfort and convenience. It isn't until the crap hits the fan and a decision must be made about whether you are going to stand by someone that you, at least for the moment, cannot stand the sight of. When you see the choice and get to decide if it is worth the effort or not... But I digress...

Some things to look forward to if you love me... and if I love you...

That I will make you mad.
That you will wonder why you ever trusted me.
That I will make you cry.

That I will cry too.

For you see, love is tough, and love involves letting your heart out of its protective armor and letting someone else hold it. But the heart is a fragile thing. It is easily bruised. But without exposing it, without letting down defenses, we risk far more...

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

-CS Lewis, The Four Loves

I didn't want to...

I didn't want to "fall in love" you with you. I really didn't. I knew how it would end if I did... and I knew that end it would.

I honestly didn't want to. I didn't see it coming. I certainly wasn't looking for it. I didn't think it was even possible for me. I didn't no it until it as already over and I felt the void that came when it left. 

I didn't want to "fall in love" with you. Most people would probably say that I didn't. If I were one of them looking from the outside I would say the same. Even in the midst of it I would have said the same, but it is the only thing that makes how I felt when it ended make sense. Not to mention my complete ineptitude in the field now. 

I didn't want to "fall in love" with you. At least you were smart enough not to "fall in love" with me...

I wasn't listening to it, but just now I was reminded of City and Colour's "Save Your Scissors" from the album Sometimes... And of course Tom Waits' "I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You". Even, with some shame, Brittany's "Oops, I Did It Again"...

Hmmm...

I am feeling a bit disenfranchised from the world of inter-sexual relationships at the moment, and I have a couple of posts brewing because of this... (Meanwhile it is amazing how the present can be used to remind us of the past and all of the feelings that can come rushing back in that do not belong to the present...) In the interest of my own sanity, I am considering posting them, but I do feel I must warn you, my reader. It may not be a source of sunshine for your day, but it would be a source of honesty from mine. There is a silver lining hidden in them in that I truly do believe in love, and in the freedom that comes from giving your heart to someone else. I believe in these things more then I believe in just about anything. Yet I believe that these very beliefs are part of the cause for frustration for me. If I didn't believe in its power, its absence or loss wouldn't hurt. Anyway...