I still don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now...

Revisited...

I wrote this a while ago but seems relevant again...

An open letter... first attempt... perhaps of many...

I am sorry... I am sorry that I cannot, for all my attempts and intentions, love you. I do not mean love you with my heart, for that is without question, and never in doubt. Instead I am sorry that I seem unable to love you with the rest of me. I am sorry for the expression of my love. I am sorry for always seeming to get it wrong. I am sorry that I cannot express with my mouth and with my hands that which is so strong and clear in my heart, that which I feel so strongly that I fear I will explode if the expression of it is not at least attempted. And there, perhaps, is the problem. I am forced to try to express a flood with a faucet. I am sorry that I don't know how to love you, how to show you, how to offer proof. I wish that my heart was transparent so that you could look directly inside and see that which is contained therein. That all the jumbled, myriad thoughts and feelings could be expressed as a laser, clear, focused, direct and true, slicing through all the noise, and all the interpretations. Cutting direct from my heart to yours, forming a link of true expression, with all static and interference eliminated in its wake.

For now this is all that I have, and all I can do is beg your forgiveness and offer the promise that I will keep trying, I will keep loving and I will keep hoping that one day I will get it right.

Sincerely,

brad

Driving home from work today (listening to Wilco) I was reminded of this letter that I wrote (but only published here). I once again find myself unsure of myself. I am lost. In my attempts to be understood and known, I have come up short yet again, or worse. The thing that I seem completely inept at expressing is that I say things with the knowledge that I hold nothing against you. You have not injured me, nor do I hold you responsible for my, MY, feelings. The truth is that I don't know if there is anything that you could do to change my mind about you. So when I speak, I speak in that knowledge and perhaps with a sense of freedom that is not earned because the entire picture that I have of you is not shared or known to you. You see what I have said, and feel in your own heart a reaction to that. How could you do anything accept that. You don't know me, not through and through. (And how could you as I have shown yet again that any attempts that I make at an expression of my own (often skewed by my limited knowledge of you) feelings do not come in the context of my entire range of thoughts. My head swims with even the thought of that statement.

And yet, without expression starting somewhere, even imperfect, even minute, there isn't really hope for the future. And it was in this spirit that I express myself, hoping that the person that hears me will have that net of safety to catch the pieces because the pieces are parts of me and in catching them you will catch me. That they will have the same net that I use to catch them, any small, shattered, broken, beautiful, soiled or pure piece.

For those of you that haven't met Petrarch...

It was the day the sun himself grew pale

with grieving for his Maker-I was seized

and made no effort to defend myself;

your lovely eyes had held me and bound me, Lady.

It didn't seem a time to be on guard

against Love's blows, so I went confident

and fearless on my way. My troubles started

amid the universal sense of woe.

Love found me wholly undefended, with

the way from eyes to heart completely open,

eyes that are now the conduit for tears.

He got no glory by it; I was helpless.

And he let you escape with no attack

when you were well defended, fully armed.

-Petrarch's blog

April 6, 1327

This bad boy knocked me over the first time I read him years ago... I like the idea of him having a blog of sorts... as well as the thought of introducing my readers to some scarcely known masterpieces... perhaps making some not so subtle comparisons... and maybe it helps me to read something like this and know that I am not the only one.

Sometimes I think I need to read happier fare... or at least not go out as often where people can see me...

Damn...

1 Corinthians 13:4-9 (Amplified)

⁴Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

⁵It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

⁶It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

⁷Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

⁸Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. As for prophecy (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), it will be fulfilled and pass away; as for tongues, they will be destroyed and cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away [it will lose its value and be superseded by truth].

It is still true... and I know it... and I believe it. But sometimes it is hard, because love is hard. When all these things are in you, it hurts all the more when nothing comes back. When quitting and loving are not possible in the same breath, the choice, even though obvious, still holds difficulty. Sacrifice is written all over these words, and all over love. Love is scary, because giving it can almost feel like disappearing at times. Like "I" am no longer there, only love, and the object of that love. And conversely, without love, I feel as though I am the only one, that I am completely alone. That is a feeling too terrifying to consider.

I have recently, and now again, been considering the old saying that it is "better to have loved and lost", and I think that I still hold it to be true. Love is an amazing thing through which I believe humanity feels the very depths and heights of emotion and even existence. Without it life is loss. I do not believe love to be something extinguished by any force known to us, tempered yes, but never quelched. It is the fuel for the engine that drives our very soul, and the smallest measure's potency is unmatched by any other motivator. It can lift us up or drive us mad. Such is its power, and such is its risk, but one that I gladly accept, even after tasting the madness of it. Even in the madness there is a glimpse of beauty. The knowledge of something so pure, so powerful, is worth the pursuit.

For those of you that have followed me for any length of time across various domain names and cyber space providers, you know that this is not a new subject for me to offer, but for me there is none greater, and one that I want to get right above all else. And so I will continue in my pursuit of understanding and living... These thoughts came out jumbled and random but that representation is probably not far off of the truth as I strive and forge ahead into the mystery...

Somedays I honestly believe that I am so screwed up that I will never even be capable of a chance at getting it right...

I'm not needy...

I'm not needy, I promise. Those that have paid close attention to previous posts would know, or at least be somewhat familiar with the concept. I just miss you. Sometimes someone walks in that just grabs attention and it is of no intentional offense to others that they just no longer enter the forefront of my psyche as often. They have been pushed to the side. I wouldn't call it need, I would call it want. There's got to be someone like that, doesn't there? I mean there is pretty much always going to be someone that leads the pack, that is out front a little, even if only by a slim margin. Someone winning the race to the front of the line when I want to share, or confer, or just say hi to at any given moment... You seem to win a lot...

And can I help it if technology is so dang easy? (At least it is on my end, even if it doesn't seem to be on other ends...) It takes 2 key strokes and even less seconds to say "hi". I happen to think that you are worth even more then that so why would I keep that time to myself? Why does it seem so easy to measure my worth by the lack of these... It is tough knowing that all it takes is the slightest of efforts to bring a lasting smile, and it never arrives...

I've never been good at "the game". I don't know that I want to be. It feels too much like lying to me. I guess I am not one to play it cool just because someone somewhere thought that I should. If I want to say hi, why wouldn't I? I can't think of a reason not to, nor can I think of a reason that would cause that desire or acting on it to be offensive or troublesome. I can't think of anything that I don't want to share with you. And again, I can't think of why that would be bad. I mean "want" in the active sense, the only sense that I try to use the word.

Maybe I have been too soft spoken. Maybe I have been too forgiving. Maybe I have communicated that little to nothing is enough. I can take responsibility for that. In my effort to not make waves that I fear could push you away, I have not communicated myself. I hope someday to have the courage to risk losing everything because if I don't then it looks like there is a good chance that that is exactly what I will do...

Ryan Adams "Heartbreaker" album and thinking about Ryan Adams & The Cardinals song "If I Am A Stranger"...

Why?

Why does my heart work the way that it does?

Why do some aspects of who I am seem to be completely out of my control?

Why can't I make some choices, change my ways, even for the better? Even when I know that the choice, when made will add years to my life?

Why do I continue to perform the same action over and over again and always expect "this time" will be different? Why am I insane Albert?

Why do I still try to reach out?

Why do I still try?

Why do I feel compelled?

Why can't I keep you out of my thoughts?

Why are you the first person that I want to celebrate with when something "good" happens?

Why are you the first person I want to listen when something "bad" happens?

Why do I want anything to do with you?

Why?

Why?

Why do I think of you when a sad song comes on the radio?

...then one day, you'll wake up and she'll be home...

It meant a TON to me the time that you called. I know I've said it before but for whatever reason, the slightest effort makes a significant impact. I have really missed our chats, no matter how brief...

I have recently been reminded of something I have been wrestling with, but afraid to really speak. I am glad, and even proud, to call you a friend but with that in mind, losing that friendship is not something that I want to face.

Going back to honesty, it scares me to think about seeing you again. Perhaps it is better put that I am afraid of your impending proximity. I am afraid that without being able to catch you online, without distance keeping you from other people, there won't be any time left for me... Even while knowing that that wouldn't be the reason, because there is always time when the amount isn't the part that matters... and we always have time for what is important to us... and that sums up my fear pretty well too, because time can also be a barometer for that very reason...

I'll let you guess what I was listening too...

The trouble with honesty...

Honesty... It's something that I seem to struggle with, but maybe not
the way you'd think... I can be honest, but sometimes I don't know
WHEN to be honest. It has always struck me that sometimes being honest
or "open" can be a huge mistake & that is what I struggle with. Have
you ever told somebody something that was true only to regret it
later? I've felt that way, but I am not sure that "regret is the right
word. I don't think that my mind/heart can accept the feeling of
regret for speaking the truth... but there it is.

So here we go... I find myself wondering what a day would be like
without a thought of you. Or any length of time for that matter. Who
are you? I have realistically known you for a mere couple of months
and not known you for a year and a half. In a lot of ways of feels like you've been gone since
even before then...

Sometimes I find myself wondering what is wrong with me. I have some
interest in the way things work, & the way EVERYTHING works. Including
the human mind. I find myself looking at what I call symptoms and
trying to find the cause of the symptom. So what is in me that can
explain how I get stuck like this? What is it? What can I do for
"treatment"? Do I even want to be treated? Which of course comes from
the question, "Is it a negative to be the way that I am?"And then it has to be asked if there is an outside factor causing the symptom? It has to at least be considered if the root is to be proved.

Honesty... the idea leaves me with so many varying thoughts...

I was asked again...

The other week I was informed that I church that I have been attending, a church that in a sense I help support by leading worship at, made what I felt was a irresponsible and selfish decision. Again let me say that is how "I" felt... and I guess still feel... It wasn't long ago that this church felt a need to spend 10's maybe 100's of thousands of dollars on their parking lot. I didn't and don't really understand the thought process behind such a decision. The church is located in the dead center of the San Joaquin Valley which is home to the largest concentration of poverty in America. It was very hard for me to swallow the decision to spend that volume of money on repaving a parking lot that wasn't that bad, that probably cost too much the first time around... The thought of the amount of lives, families and souls that could have been touched, and changed with that amount of money broke my heart. The church followed up that stewardship decision by donating $25,000 to Extreme Home Makeover. This decision was made on the spur of the moment, without consulting the congregation. The congregation first heard about the decision when they were told that they would have to find $25,000 to replace the money that was borrowed from another fund. They raised the money back, but I still had some serious issues with the church's financial decisions... You see, the decision of how to use the money of the church should have taken much more consideration, especially considering the poverty that surrounds this church. Extreme Home Makeover chooses 1 family from 4 finalists, which means that there are 3 families that won't be getting help, and could still use aid and are most likely just as "deserving"... And this doesn't even speak to the need of the thousands of families in need that were not even finalists, that were not even considered but as humans are also just as "deserving". Again, the thought of what could have been done with $25,000 is staggering. But instead it went to a family that was already getting an immense amount of help. The church was bragging that they are the first church that has made such a donation and it made me think, "No kidding... other churches are hopefully spending their money more wisely..." It also frustrated me that the church leadership would make a decision like this without including the body. It seems to me that that takes a lot of gaul and pride. It made me wonder who they think they are. And then to expect the body to just pick up the tab without question. That part of it actually scared me... And that the congregation accepted it and even promoted it without question or even skipping a beat was also cause for concern to me... I actually considered pulling myself from leading worship at this church as I wondered if the Lord would ask me about it at the judgement... What would I say? My head was clouded with frustration and anger...

I took some time to cool down before calling the leader of the group that I lead worship for to tell him that I couldn't be associated with a leadership that made decisions this way (A call I ended up not making)... In my depravity I had become very selfish in this. It became apparent that this may not be the right decision for me to make. It struck me that the young couple, or the new guy, or whomever, those that I was responsible for leading into worship, were not directly at fault for the church. The thought struck me that if God is using me to minister to those people, then it would not be fair or right to take that away from them. It struck me that I would have to answer for pulling myself out of the position He had placed me in. I don't say this in pride. I am in the position I am in because there simply wasn't anyone else to do it. Before I took over as the worship leader the only worship that the group was getting was two failed attempts to play a video of a band playing a song for everyone to sing along to. It didn't work either time and so the group went completely without. Again, not pride... but something had to be done and it was placed on my heart that I could help, and reluctantly I did. If I had left, it would go back to there being no one again, which I felt like I may have to answer for, especially considering that that was a decision that I was and am 100% responsible for...

But the plot wasn't done thickening yet... For better or for worse, I have been asked to join the leadership team for the Thursday night Young Adults group, taking my responsibilities beyond leading worship. Let me just say that this decision is one that I would like to be able to talk to a friend or two about... In light of the thoughts behind this post, which still linger... but I also have no, I repeat no interest in being in leadership, at least not that way, and I have even less interest in my role as such being defined mostly by my attendance at meetings. (I am not a fan of meetings in the least...) And of course, I don't know that I have any right being on a leadership team. There is a line in Batman Begins where Thomas Wayne tells Bruce that he leave the running of his company to "more interested men." That sums up my feelings pretty well... but still, I have been asked and I try to not make decisions too lightly and I try to make sure I find out what God is telling me by what He brings into my life... So I went to the first meeting and while it doesn't seem like I could/would have any more or less impact on the group by attending, and I didn't commit, I think that I still have a decision to make... So we'll see...

As far as the church and its decisions, I am trying to be less judgmental, I really am. I know that this post wasn't too positive or flattering, but I do realize that I am not a perfect person either so while I don't think that I have to agree with the decisions that the church makes and their future is not up to me, my future and how I allow God to use me does fall more on my shoulders so I need to make sure that I am making the decisions between God and I and not letting the actions of other "people" decide that. Others will have to answer for themselves and I will have to answer for myself... So we shall see...

Did a prayer walk the other day...

So the group that I attend "church" with is going to be starting a ministry with the families on "Motel Drive" here in Fresno.  Motel Drive is the name of a street in Fresno which has a row of low cost hotels on it. (Of course they are just "low cost" for hotels, with the cheapest starting at $25 a night...) It has come to be known as the place for the poor, the downtrodden, the drug addict, the prostitute and the pedophile to end up. There are a lot of hurting people there, including many children. While it remains to be seen how many in our little "group" will participate, and to what degree, it is already apparent that there are a few that will, and are saying, "It is not OK that this is going on. I have to do something about it." So we started with a prayer walk, my first time on Motel Drive. My first time seeing the broken, the needy, the children, the families...

Getting back to prayer though, it struck me during the prayers the type of walks that people have with the Lord, or at least the impressions of such that different people's prayers left me with. We walked with a woman that is a former prostitute that lived on Motel Drive many years ago in a one bedroom hotel room with her 3 small children. She has since been delivered from the life and afflictions of her time there and is now the founding director of the ministry that we will soon be partnering with, Levi Grace Ministries. It was her prayer that really stuck with me. Her prayer flowed with such conviction and confidence and strength. It was a prayer founded in both faith and a knowledge of the One to which the prayer was directed. Finally it had a flow that could only have come from hours of practice. In short, it was a prayer that I would aspire to in my better moments. The other prayers had varying effects on me, but it continued to strike me that the prayers coming out of people, or at least the type of prayers, the mood, cadence, content, etc. seemed to... well... they seemed to be just what I  would expect from the person offering them based on what I knew of that person and my interactions with them. 

I realize that this post could be misinterpreted fairly easily so I should clarify what I am saying... I do not consider myself a seasoned prayer warrior. I can pray, and I will pray, but I know that I have a long way to go... I hope there is not a judging tone in what I wrote. It is a simple observation of prayer. I know that we serve a God that is not as worried about our eloquence as He is about our hearts. But it did seem that prayer can be an indication of not our hearts, but perhaps of how we interact/relate to God and think about who He is. Some will fear, some will stand in awe, some will fall on their faces, some will run into His arms, some will cast themselves on His mercy. Some will request for Him to change, some will pray for themselves to change. Some will be confident, some will tremble. I just found it interesting and it made me think about prayer and how I interact with my God, something that I don't think is a bad thing to consider. 

So I have yet another dilemma on my hands... I'll just be honest and say it, it is along the lines of WWJD, but with a twist. You see, I have had some ideas rolling around in my head for a while, and as seems prone to happen, this one was clarified by a book that I just finished by Henri Nouwen. And as also happens, the book really didn't address the thoughts in my head, but a phrase catalyzed what thoughts I did have into cohesion. And so I will start with that thought. Henri's book "In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership" is the book in question for those taking notes. In the book, one of the things that Henri finds himself discussing is the idea that ministry, and indeed life, is not meant to be undertaken alone. Let's not forget that Henri has written at length about the virtues and necessity of solitude and the importance of such in one's individual relationship with God, but that is certainly not the only aspect of our walk/time here in these oh so mortal shells. Again, written for clarity. At any rate, as I said, he was mentioning an experience that he had on a ministry trip that he took, and how it became so very apparent to him the necessity of "others", particularly of at least one other. Now of course, I have already addressed this issue myself on more then one occasion in various blogs, but a new level of  understanding/insight into my own life came with this most recent occurrence. It is here that my mind wandered from Henri's book deep into my own thoughts...

So as I was thinking about ministry, and as I also said, life itself, in pairs, this line of thought clashed with events and this clash birthed new thoughts. (Thoughts which I delicately label as such as they have not yet earned the labels of "revelation" or "deeper understanding"...) I have a friend whose opinion I greatly value and respect and while I am growing in my understanding of myself, I am still only partially aware of why this person (or any person for that matter...) has such a position in my psyche, and indeed, this experience actually prompted further insight into this, but that is off immediate topic, and may be surmised from my writing anyway, that remains to be seen... This friend is not immediately present currently, which makes communication a fair hurdle. But here is what I found...

Well first of all, I really shouldn't be trusted to make very many decisions on my own. There are going to be some decisions that I must by necessity stand alone on, and ones that I alone will answer for at the final judgement, but there are many, MANY that I would be remiss in not seeking some sort of council or partnering. At any rate, there was a decision that I have had to enter into and, as per usual, I at first let my emotions and gut make the decision, and this is where the other person comes in. I would have made a reactionary decision, and while it may end up being the same decision, had I gone with my "gut" I would have at best made the decision in the wrong way, and for the wrong reasons. Through my life I have run across some people that have impacted me, and for better or for worse (mostly better) they have become a voice in my life, either in actual audible voice, or even passing rarely into that "voice in my head" realm. Now granted, I am an odd guy. I will basically "talk" to myself and talk through decisions/ideas in my head, so as odd as it may seem, it only makes sense for me to talk to someone else, even if they are not actually present. This is where I found myself of late. I caught myself thinking, "What would so-and-so say/think?" The thoughts slowed me down and really helped my thought process, and for that I am grateful.

I do feel like I should clarify something here. In the Christian walk, there are many decisions to be made and one look at the make up of Christianity in out nation, and even our world, quickly shows that every decision in not clear, even those that fall obviously under the bracelet of "What Would Jesus Do?" There are still many times when the input of another Christian is helpful, and that is what I refer to here. Even the disciples, those that walked with Jesus for most of His time of ministry here on Earth, were commissioned and sent out in pairs. I am not downplaying God's role in my decision making process, and indeed, He is ALWAYS the first person that I speak to, but I do not think that the wisdom/patience/etc. of another Christian can be thrown out. I think it can, and is, an important part of our lives and I have been blessed with a few good friends that have walked with me and helped me decide the right path. For this I am thankful.

When I grow up I want to be like Heathcliff Huxtable....

I recently watched through Season 1 of The Cosby show and the one thing that kept hitting me over and over again was the relationship that Bill Cosby's character had with everyone else. I found myself seeing a realization of someone that I would love to be. Everyone in the show, everyone that he came into contact with knew they were cherished, loved and appreciated. It flowed from him. This is what allowed for much of the comedy on the show. Since all the other characters knew they were "loved" by Dr. Huxtable, he was free to joke around with them, be sarcastic, gently "rib" them. There was no confusion, or wondering "why is he picking on me?" etc. They knew it was all in fun. 

I wish I could be like this. I so often feel misunderstood. I constantly struggle with being misunderstood. I have to be so careful of joking around with people because it seems like we have such a hard time trusting people, and even accepting love. We are so concerned with how we stand that we cannot accept anything short of compliments. We forget that love is so much more often the cause of pain then anything else we may run across. Strangers don't really hurt us. Their opinions don't hold weight with us. Who cares if some random person calls me stupid? It means a lot less then if my best friend did. I think that there is selfishness and pride in our reactions to other people as well. We hold a place of high esteem in our own hearts and minds and if that comes under any sort of attack, real or simply wrongly perceived, we cannot handle it. We have to defend ourselves from the attack. How dare they? I think sometimes we lash back because we have this need to elevate ourselves. Or maybe it is our lack of self confidence? Sometimes we think of ourselves as low, and we spend our time trying to hide our short comings from everyone so when it seems like someone might be pointing them out, or has discovered them, we immediately throw up more battlements in our defense. Turn on an attack to distract and turn the tables. It is amazing how much pain we can cause ourselves out of our own frailty. Weakness begetting weakness. Oh how we long deep down to be loved! How afraid we are to allow ourselves to be loved though! Somehow, Dr. Huxtable was able to live above this. True, he was a fictional character, but I don't think that means such a life, such an aura, is unattainable. It is certainly a pursuit worthy of my efforts...

If you love me... Or Things I can promise...

Love. Something that I have pondered much. There is a beautiful side to it. Unfortunately, as we are human, there is a dark side as well... There are things that happen in love, things that may even be consequences of love... These are something that I think are a part of being both in love and being human...  I don't think that love can really be known without hurt and hardship. It is indistinguishable from simple comfort and convenience. It isn't until the crap hits the fan and a decision must be made about whether you are going to stand by someone that you, at least for the moment, cannot stand the sight of. When you see the choice and get to decide if it is worth the effort or not... But I digress...

Some things to look forward to if you love me... and if I love you...

That I will make you mad.
That you will wonder why you ever trusted me.
That I will make you cry.

That I will cry too.

For you see, love is tough, and love involves letting your heart out of its protective armor and letting someone else hold it. But the heart is a fragile thing. It is easily bruised. But without exposing it, without letting down defenses, we risk far more...

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

-CS Lewis, The Four Loves

I didn't want to...

I didn't want to "fall in love" you with you. I really didn't. I knew how it would end if I did... and I knew that end it would.

I honestly didn't want to. I didn't see it coming. I certainly wasn't looking for it. I didn't think it was even possible for me. I didn't no it until it as already over and I felt the void that came when it left. 

I didn't want to "fall in love" with you. Most people would probably say that I didn't. If I were one of them looking from the outside I would say the same. Even in the midst of it I would have said the same, but it is the only thing that makes how I felt when it ended make sense. Not to mention my complete ineptitude in the field now. 

I didn't want to "fall in love" with you. At least you were smart enough not to "fall in love" with me...

I wasn't listening to it, but just now I was reminded of City and Colour's "Save Your Scissors" from the album Sometimes... And of course Tom Waits' "I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You". Even, with some shame, Brittany's "Oops, I Did It Again"...

Hmmm...

I am feeling a bit disenfranchised from the world of inter-sexual relationships at the moment, and I have a couple of posts brewing because of this... (Meanwhile it is amazing how the present can be used to remind us of the past and all of the feelings that can come rushing back in that do not belong to the present...) In the interest of my own sanity, I am considering posting them, but I do feel I must warn you, my reader. It may not be a source of sunshine for your day, but it would be a source of honesty from mine. There is a silver lining hidden in them in that I truly do believe in love, and in the freedom that comes from giving your heart to someone else. I believe in these things more then I believe in just about anything. Yet I believe that these very beliefs are part of the cause for frustration for me. If I didn't believe in its power, its absence or loss wouldn't hurt. Anyway...

I miss you...

I think it is odd the things that we miss about people... sometimes the seemingly insignificant or miniscule things can be the things we miss the most...

-Just being able to talk
-Hanging out
-Getting to know you
-Planning adventures (yes, the PLANNING)
-Having adventures ;)
-Strands of hair falling in your face
-Receiving a text of a simple but perfect "smile"
-Making you laugh
-You exclaiming "You're kidding!" and being so serious!
-Sitting on your couch and being made fun of because I had a blanket
-Meeting your friends/family
-That smile that you used to toss back to me (made me feel like I was the only person around)
-Hearing you talk about your passion
-SEEING you talk about your passion
-How expressive the corners of your mouth are
-Playing guitar for you
-Never quite knowing how to end a day or say good-bye
-Your picture texts
-Road trips (even short ones)
-Making up scientific sounding explanations
-"Points" earning them and giving them out
-Knowing someone else likes pulpy orange juice (Do you know how long I thought I was the only one?!)
-Being made fun of and sarcasm (I always knew we were getting along extra well when you went that route)
-Your leg shaking (I actually think I caught that from you for a little while. That antibiotics seem to have helped...)
-Looking for that cave... How could someone have moved it?!
-Sitting next to you (And trying to figure out how to intentionally sit next to you without it being obvious... usually waiting for everyone else to sit an hoping the only chair left was by you... even though I don't remember that working all that often...)
-Zipped hoodies and torn/patched jeans (and stretchy jeans! Who knew?!)
-Orange chicken (but not that raw salmon)
-Accidentally leaving the offending salmon in a bookstore at 11pm
-Seeing you in 3-D glasses
-The prospect of "rescuing" you
-You checking to see if I made it home all right... all 3 blocks
-You reading Shel to me
-Having fun
-Sharing a Starbucks
-Skipping
-You driving ;-)
-You calling me Bradley (most people don't, some people I "let", and a very few I enjoy being called that by, guess which one you are...)
-Your eye twitch
-Wanting to be around you more the more I knew you
-Checking adventures off "The List"
-Sharing with you (anything, music, stories, a task, an evening, anything, even Elephant Bar spinach artichoke dip...)

Memories...

I find myself, and indeed have found myself, missing people lately. People I used to be around, people I wish I could be around more frequently... At any rate, I was thinking about memories and their place in our lives, even our hearts... 

I am starting to forget what it is truly like to be with you. To bask in your presence. To absorb your smile, your scent, your very being. It is an odd and scary feeling. It is like trying to remember what vanilla ice cream tastes like. I cannot describe it, but I know that I like it. I cannot accurately compare it to anything except itself. If I were to have it again, I know I would recognize it immediately and enjoy it just as I always have, but in its absence the memory becomes somewhat hollow. It all starts to feel imaginary, too good to be true. Did any of it really happen? Was it really as I recall? Could I have been as happy as I remember being? Was there really nothing else like it? Is my memory turning into a dream? Was it really as I remember? Or are my memories a mix of truth, idealism, fantasy and simple good thoughts/feelings/longings? Questions I am left with, without the means to answer them.

CS Lewis wrote about this in "A Grief Observed". It got the wheels turning, something it appears it is easy to do...

The sin/pride in me emerges more then I have even noticed in the past... some out-loud thoughts...

Why is it so easy for me to see pride and sin and "shortcomings" in other people? Why is that what I notice, what I recall, what springs to mind when I think of someone else? Is it because I am so depraved myself that I take some sort of solace in knowledge that I am not the only one? How sick is this humanity that encases my soul!

Lord, I need eyes like Yours. Not necessarily ones that do not see the sin, but ones that can look past it. Eyes, that can see Your created beauty and love in spite of the stains that we have created on ourselves...

Why the church might be better off if it were more like Fight Club...

I know this is a bit of s stretch, and obviously some things would have to be different, and of course there is more then a little tongue in cheek and train of thought, and maybe some for fun but...

Rule #1: You do not talk about church!
-Well, let's be real honest here, outside of to others that are in church, or in the club, how many of you talk about church club anyway? No real change here...

Rule #2: You do not talk about the church!!
-See explanation of rule #1... and let's take it a step farther, in the movie, the members had myriad bumps and bruises showing their membership. The Bible says that we will be known as Christians by our love. I think of Paul and Moses' countenances shining and think that we may not even have to talk about it. It will be all over us anyway...

Rule #3: If someone says "stop", taps out, or goes limp, church is over.
-C'mon, how many of you have wished the sermon would "just end already"? Or that at least this particular point could be moved on from... And how many of you, you don't have to raise your hands, how many of you have thought to yourself on a Sunday, that last weeks sermon was REALLY long and the pastor just kept pounding and pounding away on this point or that... and maybe you will just skip next week?

Rule #4: Only 2 guys to a group.
-Here is where the stretching gets into high gear, but I think there is a lot to be said about one-on-one stuff. Relationships, honesty, openness, these are things that thrive on quality time, and get lost easily in crowds. Discipleship. Think about it... There are a few churches that could stand a little more of this...

Rule #5: One fight at a time.
-How much could be learned if one issue was given more then a 45 minute sermon? Or if the time together on a Sunday was prioritized and streamlined better? It seems too often be so cut up and segmented that it is a wonder anything is taken from the meeting. Announcements, greetings, offertory, worship, sermon, dismissal, etc. etc. What if churches focused on being the church, and didn't worry so much about the business stuff?

Rule #6: No shirt, no shoes.
-This one is too easy, and I guess Joe's influence surfaces here. Come as you are, and don't feel a need to cover yourself in finery. You are not at the church to make an impression (at least you shouldn't be), you are there to get down to business, so be ready for that, and while we are at it, be ready to get dirty...

Rule #7: Church will go as long as it has to.
-This would seem to contradict rule #3, but I think they can both live together in harmony. I think there will be times when some need to stay longer, maybe find themselves at the altar, or just needing a little more time in the presence... and I think that that shouldn't be required, but should be possible.

Rule #8: If this is your first night at church, you have to participate.
-This is pretty touchy, and I am not sold on it, but I like the premise. In the movie, it is clear what Fight Club is and what those that show up there are showing up for. I think that the church is the same way. You know what it is, and you are going into it with that knowledge accompanied with a desire. You go to church because you want something more. Why not jump right in and get after it? What is the point of sitting in the back for months/years? I mean really, would it be so bad?

I also really like the part in the movie where the members start getting assignments and eventually start Project Mayhem. This concept is what really got the ball rolling for me... How cool would it be to not only go to a church that you were invested in enough to ACCEPT homework assignments, but to actually go out there and change the world? Even if only in small ways? Instead of starting a fight with a stranger, you could love a stranger. Put a bumper sticker on your car. Pray before a meal in a restaurant. Visit the hospital. Heck, hold a door for someone. Put someone's cart away for them. Give back the extra change the cashier accidentally gave you. The list could go on. Try it, sometimes it is fun just for its own sake and I have never wished that I hadn't done something kind for someone else.

And let's not forget the investment part. In the movie, the men were given something that they craved and they were willing to give their lives for it, and even die for it. This should be our view of Christianity, and the church should be a place providing this for us. Are you willing to die for what your church is doing? (Do you know what your church is doing for that matter?) They were invested. Are you?

Like I said, this is full of stretches, and tongue in cheek, but it got me thinking, and I don't think that is a bad thing...