brad's inner monologue

I still don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now...

2009-08-03T18:50:00.001-07:00

Revisited...

2009-07-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

I wrote this a while ago but seems relevant again...

An open letter... first attempt... perhaps of many...

I am sorry... I am sorry that I cannot, for all my attempts and intentions, love you. I do not mean love you with my heart, for that is without question, and never in doubt. Instead I am sorry that I seem unable to love you with the rest of me. I am sorry for the expression of my love. I am sorry for always seeming to get it wrong. I am sorry that I cannot express with my mouth and with my hands that which is so strong and clear in my heart, that which I feel so strongly that I fear I will explode if the expression of it is not at least attempted. And there, perhaps, is the problem. I am forced to try to express a flood with a faucet. I am sorry that I don't know how to love you, how to show you, how to offer proof. I wish that my heart was transparent so that you could look directly inside and see that which is contained therein. That all the jumbled, myriad thoughts and feelings could be expressed as a laser, clear, focused, direct and true, slicing through all the noise, and all the interpretations. Cutting direct from my heart to yours, forming a link of true expression, with all static and interference eliminated in its wake.

For now this is all that I have, and all I can do is beg your forgiveness and offer the promise that I will keep trying, I will keep loving and I will keep hoping that one day I will get it right.

Sincerely,

brad

Driving home from work today (listening to Wilco) I was reminded of this letter that I wrote (but only published here). I once again find myself unsure of myself. I am lost. In my attempts to be understood and known, I have come up short yet again, or worse. The thing that I seem completely inept at expressing is that I say things with the knowledge that I hold nothing against you. You have not injured me, nor do I hold you responsible for my, MY, feelings. The truth is that I don't know if there is anything that you could do to change my mind about you. So when I speak, I speak in that knowledge and perhaps with a sense of freedom that is not earned because the entire picture that I have of you is not shared or known to you. You see what I have said, and feel in your own heart a reaction to that. How could you do anything accept that. You don't know me, not through and through. (And how could you as I have shown yet again that any attempts that I make at an expression of my own (often skewed by my limited knowledge of you) feelings do not come in the context of my entire range of thoughts. My head swims with even the thought of that statement.

And yet, without expression starting somewhere, even imperfect, even minute, there isn't really hope for the future. And it was in this spirit that I express myself, hoping that the person that hears me will have that net of safety to catch the pieces because the pieces are parts of me and in catching them you will catch me. That they will have the same net that I use to catch them, any small, shattered, broken, beautiful, soiled or pure piece.

For those of you that haven't met Petrarch...

2009-07-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

It was the day the sun himself grew pale

with grieving for his Maker-I was seized

and made no effort to defend myself;

your lovely eyes had held me and bound me, Lady.

It didn't seem a time to be on guard

against Love's blows, so I went confident

and fearless on my way. My troubles started

amid the universal sense of woe.

Love found me wholly undefended, with

the way from eyes to heart completely open,

eyes that are now the conduit for tears.

He got no glory by it; I was helpless.

And he let you escape with no attack

when you were well defended, fully armed.

-Petrarch's blog

April 6, 1327

This bad boy knocked me over the first time I read him years ago... I like the idea of him having a blog of sorts... as well as the thought of introducing my readers to some scarcely known masterpieces... perhaps making some not so subtle comparisons... and maybe it helps me to read something like this and know that I am not the only one.

Sometimes I think I need to read happier fare... or at least not go out as often where people can see me...

Damn...

2009-07-04T23:34:00.000-07:00

1 Corinthians 13:4-9 (Amplified)

⁴Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

⁵It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

⁶It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

⁷Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

⁸Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. As for prophecy (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), it will be fulfilled and pass away; as for tongues, they will be destroyed and cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away [it will lose its value and be superseded by truth].

It is still true... and I know it... and I believe it. But sometimes it is hard, because love is hard. When all these things are in you, it hurts all the more when nothing comes back. When quitting and loving are not possible in the same breath, the choice, even though obvious, still holds difficulty. Sacrifice is written all over these words, and all over love. Love is scary, because giving it can almost feel like disappearing at times. Like "I" am no longer there, only love, and the object of that love. And conversely, without love, I feel as though I am the only one, that I am completely alone. That is a feeling too terrifying to consider.

I have recently, and now again, been considering the old saying that it is "better to have loved and lost", and I think that I still hold it to be true. Love is an amazing thing through which I believe humanity feels the very depths and heights of emotion and even existence. Without it life is loss. I do not believe love to be something extinguished by any force known to us, tempered yes, but never quelched. It is the fuel for the engine that drives our very soul, and the smallest measure's potency is unmatched by any other motivator. It can lift us up or drive us mad. Such is its power, and such is its risk, but one that I gladly accept, even after tasting the madness of it. Even in the madness there is a glimpse of beauty. The knowledge of something so pure, so powerful, is worth the pursuit.

For those of you that have followed me for any length of time across various domain names and cyber space providers, you know that this is not a new subject for me to offer, but for me there is none greater, and one that I want to get right above all else. And so I will continue in my pursuit of understanding and living... These thoughts came out jumbled and random but that representation is probably not far off of the truth as I strive and forge ahead into the mystery...

Somedays I honestly believe that I am so screwed up that I will never even be capable of a chance at getting it right...

2009-06-28T23:52:00.000-07:00

I'm not needy...

2009-06-28T23:15:00.001-07:00

I'm not needy, I promise. Those that have paid close attention to previous posts would know, or at least be somewhat familiar with the concept. I just miss you. Sometimes someone walks in that just grabs attention and it is of no intentional offense to others that they just no longer enter the forefront of my psyche as often. They have been pushed to the side. I wouldn't call it need, I would call it want. There's got to be someone like that, doesn't there? I mean there is pretty much always going to be someone that leads the pack, that is out front a little, even if only by a slim margin. Someone winning the race to the front of the line when I want to share, or confer, or just say hi to at any given moment... You seem to win a lot...

And can I help it if technology is so dang easy? (At least it is on my end, even if it doesn't seem to be on other ends...) It takes 2 key strokes and even less seconds to say "hi". I happen to think that you are worth even more then that so why would I keep that time to myself? Why does it seem so easy to measure my worth by the lack of these... It is tough knowing that all it takes is the slightest of efforts to bring a lasting smile, and it never arrives...

I've never been good at "the game". I don't know that I want to be. It feels too much like lying to me. I guess I am not one to play it cool just because someone somewhere thought that I should. If I want to say hi, why wouldn't I? I can't think of a reason not to, nor can I think of a reason that would cause that desire or acting on it to be offensive or troublesome. I can't think of anything that I don't want to share with you. And again, I can't think of why that would be bad. I mean "want" in the active sense, the only sense that I try to use the word.

Maybe I have been too soft spoken. Maybe I have been too forgiving. Maybe I have communicated that little to nothing is enough. I can take responsibility for that. In my effort to not make waves that I fear could push you away, I have not communicated myself. I hope someday to have the courage to risk losing everything because if I don't then it looks like there is a good chance that that is exactly what I will do...

Ryan Adams "Heartbreaker" album and thinking about Ryan Adams & The Cardinals song "If I Am A Stranger"...

Why?

2009-05-05T06:22:00.000-07:00

Why does my heart work the way that it does?

Why do some aspects of who I am seem to be completely out of my control?

Why can't I make some choices, change my ways, even for the better? Even when I know that the choice, when made will add years to my life?

Why do I continue to perform the same action over and over again and always expect "this time" will be different? Why am I insane Albert?

Why do I still try to reach out?

Why do I still try?

Why do I feel compelled?

Why can't I keep you out of my thoughts?

Why are you the first person that I want to celebrate with when something "good" happens?

Why are you the first person I want to listen when something "bad" happens?

Why do I want anything to do with you?

Why?

Why do I think of you when a sad song comes on the radio?

...then one day, you'll wake up and she'll be home...

2009-05-05T06:19:00.000-07:00

It meant a TON to me the time that you called. I know I've said it before but for whatever reason, the slightest effort makes a significant impact. I have really missed our chats, no matter how brief...

I have recently been reminded of something I have been wrestling with, but afraid to really speak. I am glad, and even proud, to call you a friend but with that in mind, losing that friendship is not something that I want to face.

Going back to honesty, it scares me to think about seeing you again. Perhaps it is better put that I am afraid of your impending proximity. I am afraid that without being able to catch you online, without distance keeping you from other people, there won't be any time left for me... Even while knowing that that wouldn't be the reason, because there is always time when the amount isn't the part that matters... and we always have time for what is important to us... and that sums up my fear pretty well too, because time can also be a barometer for that very reason...

I'll let you guess what I was listening too...

The trouble with honesty...

2009-05-04T20:30:00.001-07:00

Honesty... It's something that I seem to struggle with, but maybe not
the way you'd think... I can be honest, but sometimes I don't know
WHEN to be honest. It has always struck me that sometimes being honest
or "open" can be a huge mistake & that is what I struggle with. Have
you ever told somebody something that was true only to regret it
later? I've felt that way, but I am not sure that "regret is the right
word. I don't think that my mind/heart can accept the feeling of
regret for speaking the truth... but there it is.

So here we go... I find myself wondering what a day would be like
without a thought of you. Or any length of time for that matter. Who
are you? I have realistically known you for a mere couple of months
and not known you for a year and a half. In a lot of ways of feels like you've been gone since
even before then...

Sometimes I find myself wondering what is wrong with me. I have some
interest in the way things work, & the way EVERYTHING works. Including
the human mind. I find myself looking at what I call symptoms and
trying to find the cause of the symptom. So what is in me that can
explain how I get stuck like this? What is it? What can I do for
"treatment"? Do I even want to be treated? Which of course comes from
the question, "Is it a negative to be the way that I am?"And then it has to be asked if there is an outside factor causing the symptom? It has to at least be considered if the root is to be proved.

Honesty... the idea leaves me with so many varying thoughts...

I was asked again...

2009-02-01T10:23:00.000-08:00

The other week I was informed that I church that I have been attending, a church that in a sense I help support by leading worship at, made what I felt was a irresponsible and selfish decision. Again let me say that is how "I" felt... and I guess still feel... It wasn't long ago that this church felt a need to spend 10's maybe 100's of thousands of dollars on their parking lot. I didn't and don't really understand the thought process behind such a decision. The church is located in the dead center of the San Joaquin Valley which is home to the largest concentration of poverty in America. It was very hard for me to swallow the decision to spend that volume of money on repaving a parking lot that wasn't that bad, that probably cost too much the first time around... The thought of the amount of lives, families and souls that could have been touched, and changed with that amount of money broke my heart. The church followed up that stewardship decision by donating $25,000 to Extreme Home Makeover. This decision was made on the spur of the moment, without consulting the congregation. The congregation first heard about the decision when they were told that they would have to find $25,000 to replace the money that was borrowed from another fund. They raised the money back, but I still had some serious issues with the church's financial decisions... You see, the decision of how to use the money of the church should have taken much more consideration, especially considering the poverty that surrounds this church. Extreme Home Makeover chooses 1 family from 4 finalists, which means that there are 3 families that won't be getting help, and could still use aid and are most likely just as "deserving"... And this doesn't even speak to the need of the thousands of families in need that were not even finalists, that were not even considered but as humans are also just as "deserving". Again, the thought of what could have been done with $25,000 is staggering. But instead it went to a family that was already getting an immense amount of help. The church was bragging that they are the first church that has made such a donation and it made me think, "No kidding... other churches are hopefully spending their money more wisely..." It also frustrated me that the church leadership would make a decision like this without including the body. It seems to me that that takes a lot of gaul and pride. It made me wonder who they think they are. And then to expect the body to just pick up the tab without question. That part of it actually scared me... And that the congregation accepted it and even promoted it without question or even skipping a beat was also cause for concern to me... I actually considered pulling myself from leading worship at this church as I wondered if the Lord would ask me about it at the judgement... What would I say? My head was clouded with frustration and anger...

I took some time to cool down before calling the leader of the group that I lead worship for to tell him that I couldn't be associated with a leadership that made decisions this way (A call I ended up not making)... In my depravity I had become very selfish in this. It became apparent that this may not be the right decision for me to make. It struck me that the young couple, or the new guy, or whomever, those that I was responsible for leading into worship, were not directly at fault for the church. The thought struck me that if God is using me to minister to those people, then it would not be fair or right to take that away from them. It struck me that I would have to answer for pulling myself out of the position He had placed me in. I don't say this in pride. I am in the position I am in because there simply wasn't anyone else to do it. Before I took over as the worship leader the only worship that the group was getting was two failed attempts to play a video of a band playing a song for everyone to sing along to. It didn't work either time and so the group went completely without. Again, not pride... but something had to be done and it was placed on my heart that I could help, and reluctantly I did. If I had left, it would go back to there being no one again, which I felt like I may have to answer for, especially considering that that was a decision that I was and am 100% responsible for...

But the plot wasn't done thickening yet... For better or for worse, I have been asked to join the leadership team for the Thursday night Young Adults group, taking my responsibilities beyond leading worship. Let me just say that this decision is one that I would like to be able to talk to a friend or two about... In light of the thoughts behind this post, which still linger... but I also have no, I repeat no interest in being in leadership, at least not that way, and I have even less interest in my role as such being defined mostly by my attendance at meetings. (I am not a fan of meetings in the least...) And of course, I don't know that I have any right being on a leadership team. There is a line in Batman Begins where Thomas Wayne tells Bruce that he leave the running of his company to "more interested men." That sums up my feelings pretty well... but still, I have been asked and I try to not make decisions too lightly and I try to make sure I find out what God is telling me by what He brings into my life... So I went to the first meeting and while it doesn't seem like I could/would have any more or less impact on the group by attending, and I didn't commit, I think that I still have a decision to make... So we'll see...

As far as the church and its decisions, I am trying to be less judgmental, I really am. I know that this post wasn't too positive or flattering, but I do realize that I am not a perfect person either so while I don't think that I have to agree with the decisions that the church makes and their future is not up to me, my future and how I allow God to use me does fall more on my shoulders so I need to make sure that I am making the decisions between God and I and not letting the actions of other "people" decide that. Others will have to answer for themselves and I will have to answer for myself... So we shall see...

Did a prayer walk the other day...

2009-02-01T09:52:00.000-08:00

So the group that I attend "church" with is going to be starting a ministry with the families on "Motel Drive" here in Fresno. Motel Drive is the name of a street in Fresno which has a row of low cost hotels on it. (Of course they are just "low cost" for hotels, with the cheapest starting at $25 a night...) It has come to be known as the place for the poor, the downtrodden, the drug addict, the prostitute and the pedophile to end up. There are a lot of hurting people there, including many children. While it remains to be seen how many in our little "group" will participate, and to what degree, it is already apparent that there are a few that will, and are saying, "It is not OK that this is going on. I have to do something about it." So we started with a prayer walk, my first time on Motel Drive. My first time seeing the broken, the needy, the children, the families...

Getting back to prayer though, it struck me during the prayers the type of walks that people have with the Lord, or at least the impressions of such that different people's prayers left me with. We walked with a woman that is a former prostitute that lived on Motel Drive many years ago in a one bedroom hotel room with her 3 small children. She has since been delivered from the life and afflictions of her time there and is now the founding director of the ministry that we will soon be partnering with, Levi Grace Ministries. It was her prayer that really stuck with me. Her prayer flowed with such conviction and confidence and strength. It was a prayer founded in both faith and a knowledge of the One to which the prayer was directed. Finally it had a flow that could only have come from hours of practice. In short, it was a prayer that I would aspire to in my better moments. The other prayers had varying effects on me, but it continued to strike me that the prayers coming out of people, or at least the type of prayers, the mood, cadence, content, etc. seemed to... well... they seemed to be just what I would expect from the person offering them based on what I knew of that person and my interactions with them.

I realize that this post could be misinterpreted fairly easily so I should clarify what I am saying... I do not consider myself a seasoned prayer warrior. I can pray, and I will pray, but I know that I have a long way to go... I hope there is not a judging tone in what I wrote. It is a simple observation of prayer. I know that we serve a God that is not as worried about our eloquence as He is about our hearts. But it did seem that prayer can be an indication of not our hearts, but perhaps of how we interact/relate to God and think about who He is. Some will fear, some will stand in awe, some will fall on their faces, some will run into His arms, some will cast themselves on His mercy. Some will request for Him to change, some will pray for themselves to change. Some will be confident, some will tremble. I just found it interesting and it made me think about prayer and how I interact with my God, something that I don't think is a bad thing to consider.

2009-01-26T23:50:00.000-08:00

So I have yet another dilemma on my hands... I'll just be honest and say it, it is along the lines of WWJD, but with a twist. You see, I have had some ideas rolling around in my head for a while, and as seems prone to happen, this one was clarified by a book that I just finished by Henri Nouwen. And as also happens, the book really didn't address the thoughts in my head, but a phrase catalyzed what thoughts I did have into cohesion. And so I will start with that thought. Henri's book "In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership" is the book in question for those taking notes. In the book, one of the things that Henri finds himself discussing is the idea that ministry, and indeed life, is not meant to be undertaken alone. Let's not forget that Henri has written at length about the virtues and necessity of solitude and the importance of such in one's individual relationship with God, but that is certainly not the only aspect of our walk/time here in these oh so mortal shells. Again, written for clarity. At any rate, as I said, he was mentioning an experience that he had on a ministry trip that he took, and how it became so very apparent to him the necessity of "others", particularly of at least one other. Now of course, I have already addressed this issue myself on more then one occasion in various blogs, but a new level of understanding/insight into my own life came with this most recent occurrence. It is here that my mind wandered from Henri's book deep into my own thoughts...

So as I was thinking about ministry, and as I also said, life itself, in pairs, this line of thought clashed with events and this clash birthed new thoughts. (Thoughts which I delicately label as such as they have not yet earned the labels of "revelation" or "deeper understanding"...) I have a friend whose opinion I greatly value and respect and while I am growing in my understanding of myself, I am still only partially aware of why this person (or any person for that matter...) has such a position in my psyche, and indeed, this experience actually prompted further insight into this, but that is off immediate topic, and may be surmised from my writing anyway, that remains to be seen... This friend is not immediately present currently, which makes communication a fair hurdle. But here is what I found...

Well first of all, I really shouldn't be trusted to make very many decisions on my own. There are going to be some decisions that I must by necessity stand alone on, and ones that I alone will answer for at the final judgement, but there are many, MANY that I would be remiss in not seeking some sort of council or partnering. At any rate, there was a decision that I have had to enter into and, as per usual, I at first let my emotions and gut make the decision, and this is where the other person comes in. I would have made a reactionary decision, and while it may end up being the same decision, had I gone with my "gut" I would have at best made the decision in the wrong way, and for the wrong reasons. Through my life I have run across some people that have impacted me, and for better or for worse (mostly better) they have become a voice in my life, either in actual audible voice, or even passing rarely into that "voice in my head" realm. Now granted, I am an odd guy. I will basically "talk" to myself and talk through decisions/ideas in my head, so as odd as it may seem, it only makes sense for me to talk to someone else, even if they are not actually present. This is where I found myself of late. I caught myself thinking, "What would so-and-so say/think?" The thoughts slowed me down and really helped my thought process, and for that I am grateful.

I do feel like I should clarify something here. In the Christian walk, there are many decisions to be made and one look at the make up of Christianity in out nation, and even our world, quickly shows that every decision in not clear, even those that fall obviously under the bracelet of "What Would Jesus Do?" There are still many times when the input of another Christian is helpful, and that is what I refer to here. Even the disciples, those that walked with Jesus for most of His time of ministry here on Earth, were commissioned and sent out in pairs. I am not downplaying God's role in my decision making process, and indeed, He is ALWAYS the first person that I speak to, but I do not think that the wisdom/patience/etc. of another Christian can be thrown out. I think it can, and is, an important part of our lives and I have been blessed with a few good friends that have walked with me and helped me decide the right path. For this I am thankful.

When I grow up I want to be like Heathcliff Huxtable....

2008-11-18T14:34:00.000-08:00

I recently watched through Season 1 of The Cosby show and the one thing that kept hitting me over and over again was the relationship that Bill Cosby's character had with everyone else. I found myself seeing a realization of someone that I would love to be. Everyone in the show, everyone that he came into contact with knew they were cherished, loved and appreciated. It flowed from him. This is what allowed for much of the comedy on the show. Since all the other characters knew they were "loved" by Dr. Huxtable, he was free to joke around with them, be sarcastic, gently "rib" them. There was no confusion, or wondering "why is he picking on me?" etc. They knew it was all in fun.

I wish I could be like this. I so often feel misunderstood. I constantly struggle with being misunderstood. I have to be so careful of joking around with people because it seems like we have such a hard time trusting people, and even accepting love. We are so concerned with how we stand that we cannot accept anything short of compliments. We forget that love is so much more often the cause of pain then anything else we may run across. Strangers don't really hurt us. Their opinions don't hold weight with us. Who cares if some random person calls me stupid? It means a lot less then if my best friend did. I think that there is selfishness and pride in our reactions to other people as well. We hold a place of high esteem in our own hearts and minds and if that comes under any sort of attack, real or simply wrongly perceived, we cannot handle it. We have to defend ourselves from the attack. How dare they? I think sometimes we lash back because we have this need to elevate ourselves. Or maybe it is our lack of self confidence? Sometimes we think of ourselves as low, and we spend our time trying to hide our short comings from everyone so when it seems like someone might be pointing them out, or has discovered them, we immediately throw up more battlements in our defense. Turn on an attack to distract and turn the tables. It is amazing how much pain we can cause ourselves out of our own frailty. Weakness begetting weakness. Oh how we long deep down to be loved! How afraid we are to allow ourselves to be loved though! Somehow, Dr. Huxtable was able to live above this. True, he was a fictional character, but I don't think that means such a life, such an aura, is unattainable. It is certainly a pursuit worthy of my efforts...

If you love me... Or Things I can promise...

2008-11-18T10:56:00.000-08:00

Love. Something that I have pondered much. There is a beautiful side to it. Unfortunately, as we are human, there is a dark side as well... There are things that happen in love, things that may even be consequences of love... These are something that I think are a part of being both in love and being human... I don't think that love can really be known without hurt and hardship. It is indistinguishable from simple comfort and convenience. It isn't until the crap hits the fan and a decision must be made about whether you are going to stand by someone that you, at least for the moment, cannot stand the sight of. When you see the choice and get to decide if it is worth the effort or not... But I digress...

Some things to look forward to if you love me... and if I love you...

That I will make you mad.
That you will wonder why you ever trusted me.
That I will make you cry.

That I will cry too.

For you see, love is tough, and love involves letting your heart out of its protective armor and letting someone else hold it. But the heart is a fragile thing. It is easily bruised. But without exposing it, without letting down defenses, we risk far more...

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

-CS Lewis, The Four Loves

I didn't want to...

2008-11-15T15:59:00.000-08:00

I didn't want to "fall in love" you with you. I really didn't. I knew how it would end if I did... and I knew that end it would.

I honestly didn't want to. I didn't see it coming. I certainly wasn't looking for it. I didn't think it was even possible for me. I didn't no it until it as already over and I felt the void that came when it left.

I didn't want to "fall in love" with you. Most people would probably say that I didn't. If I were one of them looking from the outside I would say the same. Even in the midst of it I would have said the same, but it is the only thing that makes how I felt when it ended make sense. Not to mention my complete ineptitude in the field now.

I didn't want to "fall in love" with you. At least you were smart enough not to "fall in love" with me...

I wasn't listening to it, but just now I was reminded of City and Colour's "Save Your Scissors" from the album Sometimes... And of course Tom Waits' "I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You". Even, with some shame, Brittany's "Oops, I Did It Again"...

Hmmm...

2008-11-15T15:06:00.000-08:00

I am feeling a bit disenfranchised from the world of inter-sexual relationships at the moment, and I have a couple of posts brewing because of this... (Meanwhile it is amazing how the present can be used to remind us of the past and all of the feelings that can come rushing back in that do not belong to the present...) In the interest of my own sanity, I am considering posting them, but I do feel I must warn you, my reader. It may not be a source of sunshine for your day, but it would be a source of honesty from mine. There is a silver lining hidden in them in that I truly do believe in love, and in the freedom that comes from giving your heart to someone else. I believe in these things more then I believe in just about anything. Yet I believe that these very beliefs are part of the cause for frustration for me. If I didn't believe in its power, its absence or loss wouldn't hurt. Anyway...

I miss you...

2008-11-03T16:45:00.000-08:00

I think it is odd the things that we miss about people... sometimes the seemingly insignificant or miniscule things can be the things we miss the most...

-Just being able to talk
-Hanging out
-Getting to know you
-Planning adventures (yes, the PLANNING)
-Having adventures ;)
-Strands of hair falling in your face
-Receiving a text of a simple but perfect "smile"
-Making you laugh
-You exclaiming "You're kidding!" and being so serious!
-Sitting on your couch and being made fun of because I had a blanket
-Meeting your friends/family
-That smile that you used to toss back to me (made me feel like I was the only person around)
-Hearing you talk about your passion
-SEEING you talk about your passion
-How expressive the corners of your mouth are
-Playing guitar for you
-Never quite knowing how to end a day or say good-bye
-Your picture texts
-Road trips (even short ones)
-Making up scientific sounding explanations
-"Points" earning them and giving them out
-Knowing someone else likes pulpy orange juice (Do you know how long I thought I was the only one?!)
-Being made fun of and sarcasm (I always knew we were getting along extra well when you went that route)
-Your leg shaking (I actually think I caught that from you for a little while. That antibiotics seem to have helped...)
-Looking for that cave... How could someone have moved it?!
-Sitting next to you (And trying to figure out how to intentionally sit next to you without it being obvious... usually waiting for everyone else to sit an hoping the only chair left was by you... even though I don't remember that working all that often...)
-Zipped hoodies and torn/patched jeans (and stretchy jeans! Who knew?!)
-Orange chicken (but not that raw salmon)
-Accidentally leaving the offending salmon in a bookstore at 11pm
-Seeing you in 3-D glasses
-The prospect of "rescuing" you
-You checking to see if I made it home all right... all 3 blocks
-You reading Shel to me
-Having fun
-Sharing a Starbucks
-Skipping
-You driving ;-)
-You calling me Bradley (most people don't, some people I "let", and a very few I enjoy being called that by, guess which one you are...)
-Your eye twitch
-Wanting to be around you more the more I knew you
-Checking adventures off "The List"
-Sharing with you (anything, music, stories, a task, an evening, anything, even Elephant Bar spinach artichoke dip...)

Memories...

2008-10-28T22:17:00.000-07:00

I find myself, and indeed have found myself, missing people lately. People I used to be around, people I wish I could be around more frequently... At any rate, I was thinking about memories and their place in our lives, even our hearts...

I am starting to forget what it is truly like to be with you. To bask in your presence. To absorb your smile, your scent, your very being. It is an odd and scary feeling. It is like trying to remember what vanilla ice cream tastes like. I cannot describe it, but I know that I like it. I cannot accurately compare it to anything except itself. If I were to have it again, I know I would recognize it immediately and enjoy it just as I always have, but in its absence the memory becomes somewhat hollow. It all starts to feel imaginary, too good to be true. Did any of it really happen? Was it really as I recall? Could I have been as happy as I remember being? Was there really nothing else like it? Is my memory turning into a dream? Was it really as I remember? Or are my memories a mix of truth, idealism, fantasy and simple good thoughts/feelings/longings? Questions I am left with, without the means to answer them.

CS Lewis wrote about this in "A Grief Observed". It got the wheels turning, something it appears it is easy to do...

The sin/pride in me emerges more then I have even noticed in the past... some out-loud thoughts...

2008-10-22T06:17:00.000-07:00

Why is it so easy for me to see pride and sin and "shortcomings" in other people? Why is that what I notice, what I recall, what springs to mind when I think of someone else? Is it because I am so depraved myself that I take some sort of solace in knowledge that I am not the only one? How sick is this humanity that encases my soul!

Lord, I need eyes like Yours. Not necessarily ones that do not see the sin, but ones that can look past it. Eyes, that can see Your created beauty and love in spite of the stains that we have created on ourselves...

Why the church might be better off if it were more like Fight Club...

2008-09-24T06:23:00.000-07:00

I know this is a bit of s stretch, and obviously some things would have to be different, and of course there is more then a little tongue in cheek and train of thought, and maybe some for fun but...

Rule #1: You do not talk about church!
-Well, let's be real honest here, outside of to others that are in church, or in the club, how many of you talk about church club anyway? No real change here...

Rule #2: You do not talk about the church!!
-See explanation of rule #1... and let's take it a step farther, in the movie, the members had myriad bumps and bruises showing their membership. The Bible says that we will be known as Christians by our love. I think of Paul and Moses' countenances shining and think that we may not even have to talk about it. It will be all over us anyway...

Rule #3: If someone says "stop", taps out, or goes limp, church is over.
-C'mon, how many of you have wished the sermon would "just end already"? Or that at least this particular point could be moved on from... And how many of you, you don't have to raise your hands, how many of you have thought to yourself on a Sunday, that last weeks sermon was REALLY long and the pastor just kept pounding and pounding away on this point or that... and maybe you will just skip next week?

Rule #4: Only 2 guys to a group.
-Here is where the stretching gets into high gear, but I think there is a lot to be said about one-on-one stuff. Relationships, honesty, openness, these are things that thrive on quality time, and get lost easily in crowds. Discipleship. Think about it... There are a few churches that could stand a little more of this...

Rule #5: One fight at a time.
-How much could be learned if one issue was given more then a 45 minute sermon? Or if the time together on a Sunday was prioritized and streamlined better? It seems too often be so cut up and segmented that it is a wonder anything is taken from the meeting. Announcements, greetings, offertory, worship, sermon, dismissal, etc. etc. What if churches focused on being the church, and didn't worry so much about the business stuff?

Rule #6: No shirt, no shoes.
-This one is too easy, and I guess Joe's influence surfaces here. Come as you are, and don't feel a need to cover yourself in finery. You are not at the church to make an impression (at least you shouldn't be), you are there to get down to business, so be ready for that, and while we are at it, be ready to get dirty...

Rule #7: Church will go as long as it has to.
-This would seem to contradict rule #3, but I think they can both live together in harmony. I think there will be times when some need to stay longer, maybe find themselves at the altar, or just needing a little more time in the presence... and I think that that shouldn't be required, but should be possible.

Rule #8: If this is your first night at church, you have to participate.
-This is pretty touchy, and I am not sold on it, but I like the premise. In the movie, it is clear what Fight Club is and what those that show up there are showing up for. I think that the church is the same way. You know what it is, and you are going into it with that knowledge accompanied with a desire. You go to church because you want something more. Why not jump right in and get after it? What is the point of sitting in the back for months/years? I mean really, would it be so bad?

I also really like the part in the movie where the members start getting assignments and eventually start Project Mayhem. This concept is what really got the ball rolling for me... How cool would it be to not only go to a church that you were invested in enough to ACCEPT homework assignments, but to actually go out there and change the world? Even if only in small ways? Instead of starting a fight with a stranger, you could love a stranger. Put a bumper sticker on your car. Pray before a meal in a restaurant. Visit the hospital. Heck, hold a door for someone. Put someone's cart away for them. Give back the extra change the cashier accidentally gave you. The list could go on. Try it, sometimes it is fun just for its own sake and I have never wished that I hadn't done something kind for someone else.

And let's not forget the investment part. In the movie, the men were given something that they craved and they were willing to give their lives for it, and even die for it. This should be our view of Christianity, and the church should be a place providing this for us. Are you willing to die for what your church is doing? (Do you know what your church is doing for that matter?) They were invested. Are you?

Like I said, this is full of stretches, and tongue in cheek, but it got me thinking, and I don't think that is a bad thing...

I honestly didn't think you would ever read this...

2008-09-19T09:34:00.000-07:00

I didn't think you would ever read this, and that thought gave me the courage to say some things that I didn't think I ever could

The chance that maybe you would read them, gave me voice, for they are things that I wish I could say aloud, even if I didn't think that you would hear me...

I didn't think you would ever read this, and maybe you never will...

There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how...

2008-09-19T06:20:00.000-07:00

It really makes me sad... or Am I the only one thinking this? (I ask myself that question A LOT!)

2008-09-16T05:33:00.000-07:00

I'll be honest, I am a little nervous to post this... I am afraid that someone, or someones, will take it the wrong way, not read it and try to see my heart and just... well... pre-condemn... but not posting was getting to me too...

So I was in a church last night and everyone was getting very fired up about Proposition 8... I live in CA and Prop 8 is referred to as the "Marriage Protection Act". It is an initiative to have the state constitution amended to include a clause that would define marriage in the state as "between a man and a woman". Now I have no problem with the state defining marriage this way. It is the only way that I believe marriage should be. Period. However, the church's stand on the issue is what makes me very sad (I was honestly fighting to not release this emotion during the meeting as my eyes welled up...). I am still a little emotional about it, so this may come off as an incoherent rant, but I felt compelled to try...

It seems to me that there is just a lot wrong with this whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I am against unions between anything that isn't "one man and one woman" for many reasons, and I am certainly against making it socially acceptable, or in having my (potential) children hearing in school that marriage comes in many forms and they are all "good and beautiful" or whatever will be taught, but this is just as much about the church as it is about the Proposition...

I don't even really know how to start it off. To me it just seems too crazy... The first thing that hit me I guess was this thought... "I have been going to this church and others off and on for a long, LONG time and this is just about the most fired up I have seen people/leadership in a church get, and for this? Really? Not that it shouldn't cause some emotion, but of all the terrible things going on in the world, children starving, Christians being martyred, governments oppressing people, etc., this, THIS is what is going to push a church(es) into such a widespread, all encompassing, fired up, fasting, praying, protesting, spending machine?! Really? (Did I mention that I drove into this church onto uneven ground for the 4th straight week as they are re-doing their seemingly good parking lot by completely tearing it out... granted I am not completely certain of the circumstances of the re-do but... ...sigh...) It makes me sad. There are millions, probably billions of dollars being spent on various things surrounding this Proposition including conferences, speakers, airfare to and from, flyers, commercials, salaries, time off work (if we are talking "gross" economy, and why not?), yard signs, bumperstickers, etc. The amount of actual social change that could be made globally with this kind of an effort astonishes me. And it is all being spent to tell people in essence to get out and vote the way that they already are going to vote anyway. (It reminds me of the recent national conventions where the candidates stood up in front of thousands of people that were already going to vote for them, to encourage them and convince them that they should in fact vote for the person that they are already voting for.) It seems like a colossal waste to me. How many thousands of children/families could be shown the love of Jesus with a hot meal... for an entire year?! I think of those commercials for the agencies advertising that you can feed and clothe a child for under $1 a day... (The most recent I saw, just last night in fact, was for $24 a month...) Think of just the plane ticket sales to travel to a prayer conference for 100,000 people... You do the math... I even read one source that said that just the campaigning for both sides would total over $30 million. Just the campaign funds! I wonder what God thinks of it all...

It also makes me wonder if the church had been doing its job, perhaps this Proposition (not to mention others) wouldn't need proposing. Here is the deal, I believe that Christianity not only makes sense, but that it works and that Jesus is the ONLY way. It is one of the only things that I have found that does make sense. So if the church had been out loving hurting and confused people, showing them the light, showing them Jesus, then maybe the church and what it stands for would have more sway, would be more powerful in the realm not only of politics, but society as a whole. If the church was out showing people, and loving people, and demonstrating to people, true love, God's love, then they just might not feel as strong a need to go looking for love in the places they do. I don't think of homosexuals as evil, they are people just like the rest of us that want to both love and be loved. And let's be honest, with the way that society and even the church treats marriage these days, what is being defended? What about all the vows, taken before God, VOWS, that have been broken? Really? This Proposition is the thing that is going to awaken the church from its slumber and get "organized and mobilized"?

And on that point, part of me wonders if good could come if the Prop. doesn't pass (not that I will vote against it, or that I think anyone should), part of me thinks it could be better for the church if it doesn't pass. Too many times I have seen the church get behind something like this and once it is voted on, and they get their way, the issue is swept away and forgotten again. The ISSUE here isn't going anywhere, and there will still be people living, actually LIVING, the same way whether the proposition passes or not. The issue won't leave, the sin won't be expunged by simply voting a phrase into a state's constitution... The work will not be over, in fact we could probably say that the Proposition itself likely will give no change TOWARDS Jesus in anyone's heart... In fact, perhaps it will push some away from the church, away from people that could show them Jesus... Yet another ...sigh...

A problem that I have with the idea of the previous paragraph is that I worry that there are churches that do not feed enough spiritual "meat" to their congregations for the congregants to understand the implications of the Proposition not passing. In other words, I worry that churches may not have built up enough faith in their congregations to withstand such a Proposition failing to pass after all the effort and prayers and fasting and faith put into it passing. There could literally be people whose faith would be shaken enough to not know what to do with themselves, or with God, if the loud public prayers not only of themselves, but of so many others, don't seem to come to any avail. I could picture a lot of "Why would God allow this to happen?" perhaps in a extreme case being followed by, "Who is this God? Is He real? Doesn't He care about what is going on? Etc." It is a scary thought, but I had it... I live for a God that has already decided history, and has a plan for it all. Not to say that I shouldn't live my life the way that He has called me to, or that we shouldn't vote because God has already decided, etc. but to say that He is in control, and will be EVEN IF the Prop. doesn't pass and some unions will be termed "marriages" that are not between one man and one woman.

While, once again, I am generally opposed to the actions involved in marital unions that are not one man and one woman, I wonder what kind of a message the church is sending with hitting so hard on this Prop.? What are the people looking for that want to be "married"? And what is the Proposition trying to stop? Let's face it, the behavior is not the issue in the Prop. The sin is not the issue in the Prop. The actions/lifestyle are happening and will continue to happen basically unchanged regardless of any phrase in the state's constitution. So homosexuality itself is not even really being defended by the Prop.'s opponents, that isn't the question. The question is the rights of "married" couples and who gets to be called "married". A legality. Again, not the actions, or commitments, or lifestyle. So what do people that are opposed to the Prop. think of the church? Remember, they are not in the church, they are in the world. Their motives would appear to be to love the person that they love and join in a binding commitment to that person and to have their loving commitment recognized publicly. They would see the church and proponents of the Prop. as opposed to their rights, and why would anyone want to oppose rights (in their eyes)? It doesn't make the church look too good. I might even say that it could push the people looking for the Prop. to fail further away from wanting anything to do with the church, and everything the church stands for... I wonder how Jesus would have handled it? I don't know that the Prop. would have been an issue with Him in and of itself. He would have opposed the sin, and I would say that the legal contract of "marriage" is not the sin, or the title "marriage", it is more of a symptom of the sin, so stopping the "marriage" doesn't really accomplish much besides giving some people more reason to dislike those that voted for the Prop. and consequently, the church. Imagine someone having been shot and an infection spreading to their arm because the bullet was never removed. A doctor comes in and amputates the arm, but leaves the bullet in. What did he really accomplish? How would you think of that doctor? Do you see what I am getting at? Again, I am not saying don't get out and vote, but I am saying that it probably shouldn't be the only thing we do, and it shouldn't be the most public, the thing that the church is known for... (On a very related side-note, "domestic partnerships" are already legal in CA. Basically this is "marriage" without being called that WORD... But it is a legally binding commitment between 2 people affording many rights and has requirements including that it must be between 2 people that do not have other "domestic partners" and are of the same sex or one of them is over the age of 62.)

To think of it, I am fairly bothered even by the fact that the church even feels that it needs to keep pounding into its congregation the way that it should vote. Shouldn't the church be giving a sufficient foundation to those that attend for them to already have the info on how to vote? They should know! They shouldn't have to be reminded on "how" to vote, even if some may have to be reminded "when" to vote. Does the church not have enough faith in its congregation, and by association then, in itself, to know that they will know the right choice?

I guess after all this, I am just not really sure what to think... And I really don't think I can keep going (not because I am done, but because it wears me out...) At some point, my disappointment in "the church" at large seeped in, and it became apparent that the real issue isn't necessarily the stance on Prop 8, but that is more of a symptom of where things are at, a sign of what is going on and one that seemed to work to allow voice to other concerns that are touched by this issue... Basically, you could probably replace "Proposition 8" with any number of superficial hot-button issues of the time. This happens to be a current one... I do at times have a hard time understanding what "the church" is doing these days... Must be time for some more prayer...

At the risk of sounding a little... at the risk of going against my reputation... I am listening to Brooke Fraser at the moment... I have once again found myself with a weakness for a girl and her piano...

Emotions... a counterpoint for the sake of argument...

2008-09-14T21:46:00.001-07:00

I have been thinking about emotions lately for some unknown reason, and for whatever other reason, I find it far easier to be in opposition to the norm, at least for the sake of allowing the norm to defend itself against real questions and by passing them to come out of the ordeal more firmly entrenched. (I feel I need to say this, even to myself, from time to time just to remind myself that I don't always think of myself as right, sometimes I think out loud and in doing so, say things that I am thinking, but not necessarily convinced of... In doing this I think of myself as not afraid to ask the questions to find out what "right" really is, even at the cost of looking "wrong" in my attempts...) Anyway, I sometimes think that, contrary to what seems to be the popular belief, emotions should rule us. They are after all what makes us human, and not animal or robot. OK, not "rule" us, but I think it is a bit odd to say that emotions shouldn't affect us. Why do people think God spent so much time and energy putting them into us? And giving them such a strong influence over us? We are created in His image after all, and I would say that God has emotions. If we even go as far as saying that emotions are coming from somewhere deep inside, they are reactions that we have, almost preprogrammed into us, almost instinctual, perhaps it could be argued that we rely far too little on our emotions. Now let's not get carried away, surely we can and do react wrongly to them, or interpret them incorrectly, but that is not the "emotions" fault. I would argue that I should get sad when sad things happen, and angry when evil happens. And those emotions should at times cause action. I have heard people, especially in the church since it seems to be "church-speak", talk about giving our emotions to God... Letting Him take them... Why does it have to be us giving God our emotions. Isn't He the one that gave emotions to us? Why do we have to take that and say "no thanks God". Maybe the answer is to learn to interpret them and act on them, not eliminate them, not "not feel" them. Not handcuff their effect on us and repress them... I guess that is just me thinking out loud though... maybe getting a little emotional about the whole thing...

Barrier of distance...

2008-09-13T17:50:00.000-07:00

This week past week was a hard week for me. There are some people in my life that are very important to me and the only thing rivaling their importance at present is their distance from me. Occasionally that hits and it hits hard...

In particular this post speaks to my nephews and nieces. I am learning a lot about love from them, and perhaps about the human condition as well, you see, I really do love them. And when I say "love" I mean with all of my heart. I honestly didn't realize how much I did. I think part of me thought of myself as "just" Uncle Brad, and indeed that is a correct description of who I am, but the "just" is not so accurate. I thought of the word because I always thought that I would love my own children, and indeed I am sure that I will, but I didn't think it would be quite like THIS with children that weren't my own. Keeping in mind that over the years I have known and cherished literally hundreds of relationships with hundreds of children and youth, but this is different. I cry when I think of them, as if my mind and my heart cannot deal with the thought of the separation. And that is where the confusion starts, you see, I didn't know I could love someone this much that I couldn't have a relationship with the way that I had thought of relationships. In relationships you communicate, you endure together, you fight, you forgive, you earn things like trust and respect and you come out of that with love. But it takes work. This is not the case with these young ones. The love has nothing to do either with what I do or what they do. In fact, I would be hard pressed to describe the "relational dynamics" that we have... It is a bond that seems to exist for its own sake.

But here is the rub... Toddlers/babies are different from older folks, and this is what makes it so hard... It is easy to stay friends with adults. There are myriad ways to communicate and "stay in touch"... connect. This is not the case with my nieces and nephews. There is a good chance that Noah, Elena and Kira have no idea that I exist. That doesn't affect my love for them, but it does make my absence harder. As far as I know, I cannot even connect with them in their memories, but I could in reality if I was there. If only I could hold them, touch them, feed them, simply be with them and build a foundation, not only of love or trust, but of knowledge. Distance is hard... And then there is Aiden and Shiri. Thanks to my beautiful sisters, these kids can recognize me, and know to at least associate the visual image of me with the words "Uncle Brad", even if they don't fully know what that title means. I think they know me, and that they generally like me, and at that age, that translates to love on their part. (It is also aided by the fact that they live in a family culture where all they know is love so that they can immediately accept and "love" anyone that is introduced into that culture, such as "Uncle Brad". But I digress...) The problem with these two comes from the fact that they are as yet not at an age where they can grasp the somewhat abstract idea that the disembodied voice they hear when their mothers or Gram gives them the phone is not only someone they know, but is in fact the very person of "Uncle Brad". Uncle Brad is known by who he is. He is a person, they know what he looks like. He is not simply the voice in the phone. He is the man in the picture. The guy that wrestled with them, hugged them, read to them. But hey, the voice is cool. It was only just recently that I finally heard speech from their end on the phone, and it both gave me hope, and caused me pause (and inspired this post). It hit me that they didn't know it was me, that is why they had previously not spoken. And indeed, even now, the speech was more a reflection of their newfound ability to express themselves through speech then an actual desire to communicate with the specific entity of "Uncle Brad". They just wanted to talk, like they see their parents do, mostly because there is an adult near them telling them to talk. But as I said, it did give me hope. It is a progression, and soon, with these all too brief "conversations", their continued development and the all too infrequent visit they will grow and so will our relationship, and soon they will be able to know they are loved, even though I am not there. And they will be able to express that I am loved right back, and more importantly, do so with a knowledge of what they are expressing. Until then it is hard sometimes, and indeed, I am sure that even if/when that time comes, it will not necessarily make the experience of the distance much easier... but there is hope.

At any rate, I love you Aiden, Shiri, Elena, Kira and Noah (and Isaac) and I miss you every day...

Love,
Uncle Brad

Listening to the album Boxer by The National

This is a bit of a crossover blog...

2008-09-08T21:24:00.000-07:00

As the title suggest, this one could have just as easily fallen under the other blog, as it was an event attached to a specific day (today) which I will be addressing. However, I thought that the content and intent made its inclusion in this blog make more sense... if it makes any sense at all...

It happened today, or should I say, it happened AGAIN today... you know, that sense that you have been somewhere before, done something before... and it is inexplicable. Not a memory, but almost like you had foreknowledge of an event... Some call it deja vu... At any rate, it got me thinking...

So there I was, standing in a parking lot of restaurant that had just opened, waiting for someone that I have not known very long to arrive... I mention these details because I want to dismiss the explanation that it could have simply been an even that had coincidentally happened before. This was not something that had happened before... but I had knowledge of it, the restaurant, the layout of the parking lot, the time of day (sun and its intensity and angle of delineation) the person I was waiting for, her being late, everything. It was just odd, but I was so certain that I had seen this scene through my eyes before...

The feeling was so strong that it got me thinking... How much of the divine is in us... what if this was simply a glimpse of eternity... what if for a moment I saw things outside of this temporal universe, as we imagine God sees things. The events had already played out, I knew what was happening, yet it hadn't "happened" yet, and won't happen again... Is this how God sees our world? Just a thought I had... We are after all, eternal beings created in His image. Is it too much to think that we have existed as we will continue existing? That our conceived universe ruled by "time" is part of a bigger universe which has no such boundaries? I am getting out of my depth both in understanding as well as ability to explain what I am really thinking, but I had to at least try to get it out there and see what came of it...

I thought it was interesting...

An open letter... first attempt... perhaps of many...

2008-09-06T17:56:00.000-07:00

I am sorry... I am sorry that I cannot, for all my attempts and intentions, love you. I do not mean love you with my heart, for that is without question, and never in doubt. Instead I am sorry that I seem unable to love you with the rest of me. I am sorry for the expression of my love. I am sorry for always seeming to get it wrong. I am sorry that I cannot express with my mouth and with my hands that which is so strong and clear in my heart, that which I feel so strongly that I fear I will explode if the expression of it is not at least attempted. And there, perhaps, is the problem. I am forced to try to express a flood with a faucet. I am sorry that I don't know how to love you, how to show you, how to offer proof. I wish that my heart was transparent so that you could look directly inside and see that which is contained therein. That all the jumbled, myriad thoughts and feelings could be expressed as a laser, clear, focused, direct and true, slicing through all the noise, and all the interpretations. Cutting direct from my heart to yours, forming a link of true expression, with all static and interference eliminated in its wake.

For now this is all that I have, and all I can do is beg your forgiveness and offer the promise that I will keep trying, I will keep loving and I will keep hoping that one day I will get it right.

Sincerely,

brad

I find it oddly sensical...

2008-09-04T05:43:00.000-07:00

Thinking some more on my most recent post, I am struck yet again by what appears to be my inability to realize and internalize simple truths without some sort of object lesson. Just like back in the day, except for now it takes a little more than felt stories to grab my attention I guess. Personally, I blame the media.

Thank God for God...

2008-09-03T05:58:00.000-07:00

So I have been thinking lately... well... pretty much just what the title of this post is. Thank God for God. There have been a couple of fairly dramatic posts coming out of my mac lately and again, not truly representative so I wanted to make sure that I tried to balance things a little. In doing so I think it is best to give praise to Him that most deserves it. He truly is always by my side. There is a certain comfort and freedom in His presence. I know that it is ok to feel and express some of these things (even be a little over-dramatic about them at times ;-) ) because the most important relationship in my life is a constant and unchanging wonder. it doesn't matter what I do, or where I go. He not only loves me, but He is always there with me. That is pretty freeing. I am not saying that I have this concept down, or remember/grasp it all the time, but it is definitely an enormous part of my life. I can be ok with joy because my eternity is secure, I can be ok with a little pain or confusion, because my eternity is secure. I can risk in my life, because my eternity is secure and I know who I am going to spend it with.

Thank You, thank You, thank You.

Something of a continuation... more thoughts on connections in this world...

2008-08-31T19:39:00.000-07:00

God created the world we live in and all its rules and He created us. He can live with us following the programming He created, and that programming is to love, Him first, but loving others is a close second. I can imagine that with us being programmed and drawn to love Him, an individual entity, it makes the most sense for us to love another single entity second, and so on down the line. I wonder who else can relate to this sort of a feeling, of individual attraction. We may love all dogs, but we love our dog the best. We may like kids, but we love our own the best. (They are basically physically and eternally the same, aren’t they? Why are our own kids “more” deserving of anything? Think about it…) I think it may just be how we work. A rule in this world, if you will, that when placed around everybody, with every one loving in their own way, everything somehow maintains a sort of balance. It could even be that the love for individual teaches us and allows us to love the group. Before I learned to love one person, I honestly didn’t know how to love anyone. In a more distant yet more specific example, before I loved my guitars, I couldn’t have cared less about other ones. Now I cringe when I see one bashed on stage where before I thought it was cool. I used to laugh hysterically when a child on TV would get hurt on one of those home video shows, now after working so closely with so many and now having young nieces and nephews, I find myself concerned even for the stranger and it just isn’t as funny any more. I think you see where I am going with this…

So there it is. Who would have thought it but love can be used for good. Even love pointed at someone other then God. It makes sense to think that we can love because He first loved us, and when I hear that until you love God you can’t truly love another. I think I believe that, despite its implications for the world without Christ. I don’t yet know how that relates. Maybe they can dimly get a grasp of love, being programmed the same way, while simultaneously being unable to fully and truly grasp it…

Connections in the world...

2008-08-31T19:36:00.001-07:00

Well, I have been thinking about something, in fact I have been battling this one for a long time in my head and so I don’t have answers to it. I have a lot of questions. Now it is true that there are statements clearly visible in the questions if you are willing to look hard enough, but they are still questions none the less… so here they come…

I know that I have been told, and I would like to think, that we don’t “need” other people, and that we shouldn’t let them control how we feel. I even wrote a blog on the myspace page linked to this blog about it. But I have some questions rising from my experience in this field. Please consider them rhetorical though. I feel I should also mention that I am not herein interested in theological or metaphysical arguments. I consider God to be the one and only constant in my life. The one thing that is always there, and always will be. The eternal source of joy and fulfillment, so these are given after that because we are still all human, whether we like it or not. And guess who made us that way…

What do you do when you find someone that makes your day better just by being a part of it?

What do you do?

What happens when you have a day that, by definition, is “worse” because they weren’t a part of it? Because if they had been it could have been better…

What do you do when you find someone that makes you feel invincible when you are around them? (It would seem that some would say that you should run away from that person because you only should allow God to affect you that way. And how do you argue with that statement?)

What do you do? Because it happens. I know it happens. It happened to me. Heck, it still happens to me. I think that it is supposed to happen…

There is a line in a Common “song” that goes “Addicted to your love girl I need another dose”. What do you do when you find yourself in that situation? Do you try to kick the habit? Just because it is a “habit”? (Habit of course being the wrong word here but…)

When you find yourself in a position where someone literally means “the world” to you, what do you do?

On the flip side what do you do because if there is someone like that, that can make you feel invincible, they can also make you feel intensely vulnerable? One seems to come with the other.

What do you do with someone whose absence can cause physical pain? Maybe I am the only one that has felt this…

Is it bad that we find ourselves in that position? What an incredible opportunity for us to have more complete eternal perspective. How do we think God feels about us? And how our actions affect Him? Do you believe that it saddens God when you sin? Or that He is unaffected? Do you believe that you can bring God joy? Or cause Him pain? So how then can we feel that we can’t/shouldn’t affect each other that way? And this is of course amplified many times in individual, select relationships…

I know it is a fine line, walking between loving someone else while loving God first. I know that. I understand that. I have struggled with that. But He knows. He even uses the relationship between people to illustrate His relationship with us. He created us to feel the way that we do. He didn’t create us to love only Him, He created us to love and His love for us causes us to love Him. Just like gravity it is the strongest force pulling the hardest, but also like gravity, it does not pull us in one single direction. (Ooops, I think I may have just opened up a can of worms on that one… I think I have another topic on my hands… stay tuned.) With that in mind I am going to cut this one loose, even though it feels a little incomplete, disjointed and whatever else… my mind has wandered into something which really should get its own posting… This, just like just about everything else, is more of a stream of consciousness rough draft, but it is honest and it is progressive so with that in mind I don't mind posting it...

(I should also add that there obviously isn't a single person that affects me, there just seems to be one that affects me more often and more completely though...)

Thoughts on prayer...

2008-08-31T19:01:00.001-07:00

Prayer… I found myself thinking about prayer the other day. It seems that I have in the past prayed for, and even been taught to pray for, carrots. And I of course mean carrots in the figurative sense, not actual carrots. I mean things that I want, magic tricks, selfish desires, etc. Now I hesitate with the last description, but at the end of the day, that is what many of my prayers have boiled down to. “Lord give me this” or “Lord do this for me”. It strikes me like so many of the prescription drug commercials that I have seen. You know the ones. The one in which you receive a 15 second lesson about the drug, given by the company that will profit from its sale that ends with the commercial telling you that the next step is to go and tell your Dr. that you need it. Because without your help, and extensive knowledge, they may never do the right thing for you. I have prayed like that before. “Ummm… Lord… I just thought of something you missed… Turns out I need ______. Don’t worry though, I am not mad, I missed it to… at first… but its all good now. Just hand it over so I can be happy…” This, of course is an oversimplification, but hopefully you catch my meaning. I pray for what I want. Me to stop feeling lonely, financial security, a better job, that I wouldn’t sin so much, that the guy in the car ahead of me would get out of my way already, and the list goes on… and on… Or perhaps I am sometimes more noble… Praying for someone to be healed, or for orphans to not go hungry, or for someone to give that guy on the street a chance, or a sandwich, or that kids would have someone to hang out with… Noble wishes. And while I am not necessarily directly condemning these prayers, I am just thinking about how I pray… They still seem an aweful lot like me telling God what He should do… inherent in which is, whether I want to say it out loud or not, the assumption that I, at least in this area, know better then God…

But how should I pray? There is a quote by Soren Kierkegaard which goes something like this (and I apologize for not being able to locate his exact phrasing), “Prayer does not change God, but it does change him who prays…” I like it. God is, well He is pretty much It. In fact one of His names is I AM. Yep, He is. There isn’t anything lacking in Him. There aren’t things that He doesn’t know… and this included anything and everything that I could ever pray for or about. So what do I do? I would think that a logical progression would be to try to find myself in God’s plan, and try to align that in my prayers and in my life. Praying not that I wouldn’t be tempted, but that I would see the temptation and be able to rise above it with His guidance, all while learning what He has for me to learn. Praying for the humility to actually give of myself instead of just giving my prayers to someone. Not necessarily praying for change, but believing that God has me right where He wants me and praying that I would be the best that I can be where I am. Not praying to avoid or escape hardship, but that I would use the hardship as best I can to allow myself to be sharpened by it. (How sharp would a knife be if it “escaped” after the first pass of the file?) And praying for His eyes, to see what He sees, His perspective. If we could have that, I think that our prayer lives would change dramatically. If we could see that plan, the big picture, the way that He does, we would pray for very different things. I would even go so far as to say that if we simply believe that He CAN see the big plan, and that He IS in already in control, our prayer lives would change dramatically.

But here is yet another thought, and this idea, if I remember right, originated in something that CS Lewis (coinciding with the Kierkegaard phrase) said basically, in the forced practice of something, in this case prayer, I can change my thought process, and thus change myself. Teaching myself to think of others, or even taking a look at my own needs in prayer, can offer a good deal of perspective… perspective which used correctly can bring about change and action. So perhaps there is still something to be said for training ourselves to think of ourselves as needy, or at least to recognize our needs from an eternal perspective. Praying for our needs helps us to notice them, and noticing them can cause us to do what we can about them. And perhaps there is power in that as well…

Well... here goes...

2008-08-31T19:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been doing some thinking and have decided to move forward. I have not been completely forthcoming of late in my blogs, thus the space in time between them. Seems I have been having some thoughts, and I was concerned about allowing those thoughts to fall into the wrong hands. In thinking today it seemed that that wasn’t being very honest to my reader so I have decided to go ahead. I must also warn that another reason for not posting them is the simple fact that posting them is still going to be difficult to do in relation to my previous post about representing myself. These may at first glance make my life and times seem hard, and indeed at times I do struggle, but that does not mean my life isn’t good. It is very good. But maybe I am hoping that I will aid my own search for clarity by bringing these thoughts out. This blog, believe it or not, is just as much for me as it is for… well, let’s just say I consider myself a subscriber. At any rate, I will be trying to do justice to the last few things that I have been thinking about and try to post them in order starting with the first, very brief one. Thank goodness for long weekends.

The definition of screwed, given in a logical progression… (sorry, while it seems a bit harsh, and it is, and in that sense, not entirely correct, I really couldn't think of a word other then "screwed"...)

1. There is one person that you want to be around... for some reason, strikes a chord and resonates with you... One person that, for whatever reason, you seem to value above others...
2. That one person doesn’t show any signs of reciprocation/feeling the same way/really noticing you much at all... Actually doesn't show much of anything...
3. Condition #2 has no effect on condition #1.

And there you have it. Any questions?

And yes, there is a bit of tongue in cheek to this... a bit...

Holy Misrepresentin' Batman!

2008-08-07T18:09:00.000-07:00

So I realized today that I may have erred in my writing of the previous post. It isn't me, while it does represent a part of me. I guess it is the dramatic part at times. I don't often feel compelled to write out of feelings of joy (which I do have quite often), instead I often feel compelled to write out of feelings that many would consider negative (which I consider to be such at times, but also prods, or convictions, or frustrations coming from a desire for greater things, and a knowledge that the possibility of greatness is not enough to spur it into existence). Some emotions seem to cause introspection more then others. I guess I am saying that this blog could easily be very lopsided, something that I will have to keep an eye on, even with this addition as a disclaimer of sorts... Smile!

Listening to whatever pops up in random in my iTunes, New Hampshire by Jason Reeves as I type this off of an impressively (all be it not so sunnily) titled album, The Magnificent Adventures of Heartache.

The purpose of this blog?

2008-08-06T18:02:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about this blog today, and about myself and perhaps motivations for writing and I was reminded of a quote that Mr. Rogers (yes, THE Mr. Rogers) carried around with him often. It was said by a woman named Mary Lou Kownacki and it went, "There isn't anyone you couldn't love once you've heard their story." I think I am there, at least I try to be there, with other people. It is often hard to get past the first impressions that we get, but I have found them to be wrong in many cases. Everyone has a story, and every one is created in His image. My previous job experiences have helped me to look for and see God more in people. There are other reasons for this as well, ones that are far more personal, and perhaps the subject of a separate post. At any rate, the reason that this came to mind in the first place, and perhaps a reason for blogging is that I want to be known. No matter how shy I am, or guarded, or quiet, I want to be known. I feel misunderstood so often, more so then I feel understood. In fact, I think it is rare that I feel understood, unless I purposely leave parts out to "simplify" what is really running deeper within me. Yet I still want to be known. For all the fear that comes with letting someone in, I want to be known. For all the risk of exposing what is underneath the armor, I want to be known...

And I think at the end of the day, I want to be loved, and I feel that I can't be loved if I am not known. I can't believe that I am loved if I have secrets, if there are things that I have hidden, fears, transgressions, wrongs, thoughts, secrets, all things that for better or for worse are a part of me... are me. Without this knowledge I am empowering someone to only love part of me, and thus only partially love me. Which as I write it seems to draw trust in as an issue... I know I have been hurt, and I know that it is hard for me to trust people, not only because of how things have gone down in past relationships, but also because it is hard for me to trust, to really believe, that someone can love me. I know the depths of my heart, and the depths of my sin. My flesh is dark. It is dirty. There are some real skeletons in my closet. Sure, they are not as bad as others, but still they are there. And they can't be gotten rid of. They can be exposed. They can be seen. They can be understood. They can be forgiven. But they can't be removed. Who knows, maybe I even want to keep them in there so I have something to hang my coat on... For better or for worse, they are a part of who I am today.

Skeletons can be scary, but we all have at least one of them. And they all have a story. This post got a little ramblish, but hopefully some coherence can be seen. I am not much for the "delete" key, it doesn't seem very honest at times, at least not as honest as not using it. While minds can change, and grammar corrected, there is something to be said for a snapshot of the progression of thought in my mind. I know better, and I hope that I am humble enough to realize that I am always learning. But the journey still has value even when the destination is reached.

Listening to Thriving Ivory's self titled debut album.

Hope...

2008-08-01T05:51:00.000-07:00

1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best
2. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence
3. to believe, desire, or trust
4. to feel that something desired may happen

Hope... this past 6 months or so I have been learning the power of hope... and that it can be a terrible, difficult thing... and that like a mind, it is a terrible thing to waste...

I am a pretty hopeful guy I think. (For all my "cynicism", it is just because I want to be better, I want everyone else to be better, and I think... hope that things and people can be better. Myself included.) I sure do hope a lot, and for a lot of different things. I hope that I can be strong and stand up for what is right. I hope that others will be able to do the same. I hope that I can trust people. That they can trust me. I hope that I will find peace wherever the Lord takes me. I hope that I can bring peace to those that need it. I hope that someday I can be with someone that understands me. I hope to be loved. I hope when the time is right, I can step up and give love, real love. I hope that my life will be worthy of having a movie made out of it to tell my story. I hope to live a life like that.

And yet... I can't help but wonder... is there a point that you should "give up" hope? If not "hope", then at least a hope in something specific or particular? I think I am starting to see how hope can be detrimental... I wonder if at some point hope changes to imagination, or at least fancy, followed by lunacy...

What if you find out that what you had hoped for really wouldn't be "for the best"?

I think I like hope a whole lot more when I don't even notice that I have it than when I have to rely on it as... well, as my only hope...

Wow, this could be the darkest post ever about the topic of "hope"! That just isn't a good representation of the case for me. It isn't a dark time. I have a great life... but there are things that have been hoped for that just aren't happening, and I guess I am trying to take out my feelings so that I can have a look at them as I try to decide what this life is all about and what to do about it. Maybe some things just shouldn't be hoped for, maybe we should be hoping for better... or maybe we should be willing to take a look around ourselves to see if perhaps what we hoped for is already there, just not in the shape that we thought it would come.

Jeremiah 29:11

Listening to Drown off of Chasen's album Shine Through The Stars

Heart in motion...?

2008-07-31T22:43:00.001-07:00

So I was thinking that maybe I should talk a little bit about "following my heart" since I mentioned it... It is a dangerous thing... especially in this day and age, but here is the deal, I don't know that I can think of a time when my heart had been either wrong or confused... my mind on the other hand gets confused and is wrong ALL THE TIME!! And here is the deal, I don't have much, but I do have someone pretty important in my heart. With that in mind, and knowing the Creator of said heart, and just my experience, it would seem that my heart is the best part about me and quite frankly, when the clock is running down and we need some points, I am going to put the ball in the hands of my best player. My mind I can deal with, but not following my heart, that haunts me... I've got to follow my heart...

A good friend of mine relayed a nugget of wisdom to me recently that she had heard. We were talking about making decisions and trying to hear God's voice in it all and I was talking about trusting that God made me who I am, in essence, He created the person making said decision so listening to my heart is in essence listening to God since He made my heart and had taught and guided it to this point. She told me about her mother saying it was like a parent watching very closely over a young child and making decisions for that child but releasing decisions to the child as it grew (in knowledge and stature) until the child, while still consulting the parent, could make most decisions completely independent of the parent. I thought it went hand in hand in what I was thinking since even in that instance the parents convictions/knowledge/morals/wisdom/etc. had all been injected into the child and were guiding the child.

I hope I can always trust my heart. I can't imagine living without it...

Listening to:City and Colour's Against The Grain and Sensible Heart off of Bring Me Your Love

So how does this work?

2008-07-28T06:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been going to bed later and getting up earlier lately and so I find myself with 10 extra minutes before work that I normally wouldn't have... so I decided to not let it go to waste while also keeping my streak of being 3 1/2 minutes late alive. The only problem is that the thoughts that I awake to are pretty scary sometimes, even for me... OK, maybe not so scary... chances are I wake up thinking about 1 of 2, possibly 3 things, with I guess the 3rd being miscellaneous and the other 2 really only being interesting to me and maybe one or 2 other people. Sorry, but today was item number 2... but I am thinking that there may be a way to expand/generalize it into the 3rd category, but I am not sure that I have time for that. I can't be later then 3 1/2 minutes, I just can't! Here is a start though...

So today I woke up thinking about communication. It seems I have been both getting it wrong and getting it right lately, mostly wrong though, but here is the thing, I have been getting it wrong (and sometimes right) because I have found myself staring down the barrel of gun loaded with blanks. It is hard to test the ballistics on such a gun. I have been trying to figure out what is being said to me, with nothing being said to me. As I deal more with adults, I find this to be increasingly difficult, yet it would seem that I am still expected to get it right, and it is made harder at times when it is upsetting enough to the other person that they don't want to discuss it. To quote Mat Kearney, "what's a boy to do?" (Did I mention I love music? I guess I should, since it is bound to come up again... often...) The decision so far has been to follow my heart and try, try, try (Yeah, yeah, John Mayer...) to do the right thing. At least that may be easier to forgive if I get it wrong... I just wish I didn't get it wrong... This communication thing is hard, and apparently it is harder when it doesn't happen...

And now I will be sufficiently late...

PS I was listening to Herbie Hancock: River-The Joni Letters. Thought since it wasn't an option, like a myspace blog, if I thought of it I would just tell you what I was listening to...

Yikes!

2008-07-26T04:20:00.000-07:00

Did you ever feel like maybe, just maybe you may have something of meaning and possibly worth to add to this world? Even if only a different/obscure perspective to get the dialogue going? I feel that way sometimes... sometimes I just have to let it out. This could very well be the out pouring of that need. Hopefully something good can come of it, even if only a little of my own piece of mind...